“Pretty much everything you guys have said hits the nail on the head for me. I remain quiet about most things because you can't really start up a conversation with someone about metaphysics (something that interest me, for example), say, while waiting for the bus, being out shopping, or walking down the street. It's nice and all to exchange pleasantries, but is not enough to make a true friend in my opinion. My line of thought tends to go something like "well, they said hi to me and I mumbled a response... now what the heck am I supposed to say?" All the while I am wondering if this person is going to be a worthwhile person to talk to. I know I come off as a snob this way and I don't know what to do about it.
Now on this board, we can talk about what interests us specifically because we can pick and choose the topics and we can label them with titles. Face-to-face conversation doesn't work that way... we can't pick and choose what we want to talk about so easily.
I find this to be a conundrum because I still have to interact with people in the real world, and it is becoming increasingly awkward for me because I feel this build up of energy within me the longer I stay quiet. If I'm not careful that energy turns into negativity and I start having bad thoughts about people. This is why I am becoming more and more of a recluse over time... the only place I truly feel at ease is at home, where I spend the vast majority of time behind my computer screen.
maybe I just need to get out more or something? or get more hobbies so I have more to talk and/or think about while I'm out in public? I dunno. I'd like to think I could talk about a fairly wide range of topics, but I just don't know how to approach them without sounding completely abrupt, like I'm just being an interviewer or something.”
This is a common introvert complaint from a person on Social Anxiety Support Forum, and I’m going to assume that like me, this individual is a Shytrovert. Here’s what I have to say to all you intros and shytros out there: you will have to face the sickening realization that being a skilled socializer involves wading in the drecky waters of shallow, vapid small talk. I’m sorry. But there it is. It’s hard. I know it is. But in situations with strangers you are forced to seek the LCD (lowest common denominator) of conversational topics precisely because the person is unfamiliar to you and there is no way to gauge ahead of time their interests, likes, dislikes, etc. EXCEPT through the painful and frequently awkward getting to know you phase that necessitates small talk.
I know nothing annoys me more than going to a party and being asked 110 times what I do for a living or God forbid to getting cut out of a conversation when people start talking about sports I don’t watch or activities I do not engage in. Oh, let me not forget, my favorite conversations (sarcasm) involve great vacation spots I can visit and exactly how many miles it is from one destination to the next, ad nauseum. Unfortunately, socializing successfully is all about this crap. It’s rare that you will find someone you seriously click with that does share your esoteric interests.
Your best bet is to learn the rules so you have a greater chance at hitting the right conversational button that might lead you to that person. In the meantime, study up. Learn how to smile a lot (not too much) ask leading, open-ended questions, and act like you’re interested. Learn how to extricate yourself and exist in the crowd without looking sad and bored as shy folks are wont to do.
Did you know a lot of outgoing people smile a lot while they talk? Watch them and learn those outgoing mannerisms. You will have to learn to fake it until you make it like yours truly. Not saying I’m expert, I’m still learning; but I get better and better every day. I have no choice. My husband is very outgoing with tons of friends and occasionally I have to spend time with these people. I just pretend to be extroverted during those times. Yes, it’s fucking exhausting but so is hearing my husband ask me repeatedly if I had fun or not. Do I? Sometimes. Some of his friends are quite amusing and like to be amused. I know I’ll go to hell for this, but I love it when something insane happens like somebody gets pissy drunk and makes a pass at someone else’s wife or a fight nearly breaks out. Drama is excellent when you can watch a proverbial train wreck from the sidelines. But honestly, most of the time I’m bored shitless and can’t wait to leave. This past weekend all I could think about is how all the people time was distracting me from reading the Sunday paper or catching up on my movie watching.
Of course, for extroverts, that kind of stuff is what you do because there’s no one to talk to no social thing to attend and/or its lousy outside. But that’s another post for another day.
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