The Shytrovert

2012-02-16T16:02:00.000-08:00

We Don’t Need to BeReminded of How Cool Extroverts Are

Do the extroverts feel insecure or what? There’s been a lotof ink lately about how introverts are not anti-social serial killers waitingto happen, but cool, contemplative folks with much to offer society.

Apparently this doesn’t sit well with the majority, who feelintroverts have had enough time in the limelight and need to be reminded of thesheer awesomeness that is being an extrovert. A lady recently wrote an article in Forbes Magazine highlighting the“not so secret powers of extroverts.” Powers. Not strengthsor advantages. Powers. They’re super heroes now.

Look, talking to that guy! Not a nerd, he's got game! It's Super E!

It may come as a shock, but everyone is all too familiar with your strengths, extroverts. If not by you naming them out right, but byyou constantly trying to push us introverts to emulate them every waking hour.

We know that you know that we know you have the populationof a small country as your best friends, weknow that you are amped up and cheerful (in some cases to such an alarmingdegree we fear you may be snorting or smoking something), and yes we know youget bored easily and like to party and drink until you drop or at least untilthey kick your rowdy ass out of the bar. We are also painfully aware ofthe advantages of possessing the same traits that society most values. WE KNOW.

We also know of yourshameless need to grab and hold on to the spotlight. As in yeah, introverts are cool, but look at me! Look at me! Look at me! And I’m sorry, I think you all are cool and Ilove you to pieces, but seriously? Nobody is forgetting you exist or how cool you are at existing just becausethe spotlight is shining on theintroverts for a change. A very welcomechange.

All we want is for you guys to sit down, be still, and stoptalking long enough to notice that it isn’t all about you. There are other kids in the playpen. Different kids. And that’s OK. It’s really OK.

Once that is truly established (primarily that we,introverts, are OK. We know you’reA-OK!) you can go back to your life in the spotlight. We promise.

Truce?

If You're Skeevy and You Know It...part deux - Valentine’s Day Edition

2012-02-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

Shaddup! I know Tuesday was Valentine's Day. I'm late, so what? On to the post:

One of the biggest complaints women have about their men is how they perv on other women when they go out. Some men even go to insane lengths to get a glimpse at a woman they feel is hot.

Pervalicious

Ask.Men.com in a totally disreputable move, some might say, decided to hand these fellows even more techniques for their ogling pleasure:

Looking At Other Women When Your Girl's Around

Is this disgusting or a public service? I think I’ve come around to the latter view.

Men are notoriously unsubtle about staring at a “hot piece” and habitual ogling I’m sure has cost relationship disaccord and possibly innumerous break-ups. It’s the rare man who stops looking at his partner’s behest, typically with the excuse that he is “wired that way” and can’t help it.

“Babe I know I’m a skeeve

But I just can’t get a reprieve

I’ve got these man eyes baby

I was born this way!”

Sorry, Gaga.

Frankly, I’m all for any techniques that can assist a man in looking at the opposite sex in a more stealthy manner.

I fully understand human nature and the urge to look at people, attractive or otherwise, male or female, striking and/or strange. Seeing that so many men up the ante on glances by but gawking, continually looking, or turning their whole body to watch as the other woman strolls away, for the sake of society, something need be done!

Guys if you are so desperate to look, just remember this: you’re sending the wrong message or should I say messages, none of which are positive.

What are the messages you’re sending?

• That you are untrustworthy

• That you have no respect for your significant other or her feelings

• That you are disrespectful of your relationship in general

• That you are single and still looking.

Yes, men are visual creatures; you're attached but not dead, blah, blah, blah. So are we women, and it’s a lot easier for us to get laid than you. So if you want to keep the one you’re with learn how to look without being so obvious. And believe me, it’s obvious.

When you learn the art and science of scoping ass, everyday will be V-day.

Happy V-Day!

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! (I know it's February!!!)

2012-02-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

What? It's February. Shaddup. I forgot to post this one last year, OK?

Oversized sombreros, margaritas, chips, salsa, and Corona…this is how Americans uniformly celebrates Cinco de Mayo, a holiday of Mexican origin that somehow got morphed into a raucaus, loadee cum frat boy like celebration some jokingly call “drinko de mayo.” So what is the actual holiday all about you may wonder? Well, it’s not as some believe Mexico’s day of Independence from Spain. That’s commemorated on September 16th. Oddly enough, Cinco de Mayo celebrates Mexico’s freedom from France. Yep, France. I know, WTF right? According to an article in Discovery News:

French occupation viciously swept across Mexico after the Mexican-American War of 1846-48. Mexico was left bankrupt following its war with America. By the 1850s, the country was in a state of crisis.

Newly elected President Benito Juarez issued a moratorium on July 17, 1861 that stipulated a hold on all foreign debt payments for the next two years so that Mexico could get out of financial ruin. Payments could resume after the two-year mark, but in the meantime, Mexico was forced to default on debts abroad.

President Benito Juarez

England, Spain and France -- all of which Mexico owed money to -- were furious. According to
History.com, all three sent naval ships to Veracruz to demand reimbursement. British and Spanish forces eventually negotiated with Mexico and withdrew, but France decided to take severe action.

In 1862, French General Charles Latrille de Lorencez was ordered by Napoleon III to march his forces into Veracruz and attack with 6,000 troops and 2,000 French loyalists headed for Puebla de Los Angeles, just east of Mexico City. In response, Juarez gathered up any Mexican loyalists he could find and put together a 4,000-strong force against the French -many farmers armed with hunting rifles and machetes.

For nearly 50 years, the French army had remained undefeated until they clashed with the Mexican army on May 5, 1862 in Puebla. Led by Texas-born General Ignacio Zaragoza, the outnumbered and poorly supplied Mexican army defeated French forces in what became known as the "Batalla de Puebla." (The Battle of Puebla –commemorated as Cinco de Mayo in the US).

General Ignacio Zaragoza

According to UCLA’s Center for the Study of Latino Health and Culture, the Cinco de Mayo holiday was actually invented in California in 1863. In Mexico, it’s barely acknowledged, and only a few states, including Pueblo, even recognize it.

So there you go, the true origins of Cinco de Mayo. Now raise a glass to the proud people of Mexico for routing the French and giving us a great excuse to live la vida loca, gorge on tortilla chips, and drink muchas cervezas! Gracias senores y senoras!

How I do love you, Margarita!

Why Some Black Men Date White Women

2012-02-16T11:17:00.000-08:00

All around the internet you find this question: why do black men date white women? And it’s a ridiculous question really. Men date women because they find them attractive mentally, physically or spiritually. For some people, color doesn’t come into play. They just happened to be attracted to a person of that color, but color wasn’t the driving factor. But for a select few, color is the deciding factor or the only factor and that’s not healthy. Take for instance the black men who date white women because they believe black women are being unpleasant harpies.

"N* you better wipe that grin off yo' face!"

These black men date white women for the same reason so many black men prefer black women with light skin, light eyes, and long silky hair. These men simply perceive that white women are more beautiful, more feminine, and more compliant or agreeable than black women.

This is the truth.

When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. Who are the women most depicted in the media, movies, porno, etc. and put forth as the “hotties?” Asian women? Rarely. Hispanic or Native American women? Rarely. Black women? Hardly ever. What you do see is thin blonde, blue-eyed women and occasionally brunettes or redheads with fake attributes on their chest.

It’s the blonde, blue-eyed woman who is put on a pedestal as the standard to follow. The blonde, blue-eyed woman is the “Bentley of females” as far as the media (and American society) is concerned. This is why you see so many white celebrities going blonde, why the saying blondes have more fun and the preponderance of blonde women in porn.

"Don't hate me because I represent the beauty standard."

If she had her dithers, the average white woman would love to have blonde hair and blue eyes, be skinny with big boobs. This is what the majority of their men want, and it’s what a lot of black men want as well.

But this post isn't about what white men want. It’s about why black men prefer white women. Definitely black men aren't as fixated on blonde hair as white men. Black men are fixated more on long, silky hair and light skin. Look at any hip hop video, black movie or black porn magazines like King. Black men’s preference for straight long hair is why black women wear hair weaves and relax their hair. This is what their men want. If your hair is naturally long and straight and your skin is very bright, AND you have light skin and blue, green, or hazel eyes bonus beauty points for you. Now, take this a bit further.

Why have the imitation white women when you can have the real deal?

Light, bright and almost... but not quite

The fact is you prefer features and attributes that are fairly foreign to your ethnicity even though 99.9% of your women don’t possess said attributes. Every day in subtle and not so subtle ways you are told over and over that the attributes you do possess are undesirable even ugly. Therefore you are undesirable and ugly. But you can’t admit that, so you speak in terms of “preferences,” and when that fails you blame black women and their nasty attitudes.

This is an excuse. Black men who don’t want to reveal their true beliefs – that black women are ugly- instead say: “black women have ugly attitudes.” This is because to admit that you think women who have the same physical attributes as you – dark skin, brown eyes, afro-textured hair and full features is a tacit admission that you are ugly too. To admit as much is to be forced to face up to this unpleasant fact. Psychologists and sociologists call this sense of unease cognitive dissonance. It’s easier to say that black girls are horrible people than it is to flat out say you think they are ugly and by extension you really find yourself ugly.

The Incomparable Voice of Ms. Whitney Houston

2012-02-13T16:09:00.001-08:00

Whitney in happier times

Whitney Houston's voice died before she did. That’s the verdict of entertainment reporter who claims she was extremely talented, but technically deficient. In other words lots of natural talent without proper vocal training.

According to a Washington vocal coach, Whitney’s voice was damaged after she developed nodules as a result of straining her voice and not knowing how to manage and care for her vocal cords.

She often pushed her “chest voice” to its limits instead of relying on her lighter, dazzling “head voice,” the same expert claimed in a 2010 USA Today article “but it’s extremely damaging. It causes hoarseness, irritated vocal folds, calluses. It often requires surgery and rehabilitation.”

I’m sure her years of chian smoking, drug and alcohol abuse, not to mention being married to Bobby B did her no favors. It was crushing to hear of her sudden and untimely death at the age of 48. I’m sure all of her fans, yours truly included, also mourn for the comeback that will never be.

Unfortunately, even had she survived that fateful Saturday, her comeback may have never come anyway. From many accounts, the Whitney that we knew, the pre-Bobby brown Whitney with her unearthly beautiful pipes, beauty and glamour was already long gone.

Am I saying her death was a blessing? Not at all. The people who loved her, loved her voice or no voice through thick and thin. But I can’t help consider that maybe she thought in her final moments that it was a blessing. To lose such an instrument and face boos when you once faced standing ovations and thunderous applause, I can only imagine how devastating that must have been. And remember, she had lived with this state of affairs for a long time.

Maybe she had gotten over it, decided to work with what remained. In the end, we will never know. At least she managed to reach the stars and touch all of us along the way. Her voice will live forever. Thank you, Whitney. You have finally found peace.

The heavenly choir has a new member

Why am I so Quiet? I'm Crazy, of course. You knew that...

2012-02-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why nobody ever gets called out for talking too damn much? Not in public anyway. Everybody just grins and bears loud people. Oh, they'll say stuff about them, behind their backs. But if you’re quiet, not bothering anyone, everybody wants to know why. Well, if you’re crazy enough, like the Shytrovert, you can just start saying shit. Crazy shit. What kind of crazy shit? How about these gems:

Why not act dumb, deaf or blind? Their questions are asinine.

What? Quiet! I am not! Who’s saying that? Why I oughta! Let me at ‘em! Let me at ‘em I say!!!!
What? Why am I on a diet?
What? Why don’t I try it? Try what?
I know you are but what am I?
What? Why am I such a riot?
Why don’t I fry it? I’m not sure what you’re talking about but I can tell you that I recommend baking. Backing is much healthier.
You have got a lot of nerve asking me that!
Why I never!
Why are you so talky?
Seriously? How would I know?
The same reason that…did you hear that?
Oh my God. Is it that noticeable? What should I do? I’m so scared. Hold me.

Faceless nutbar models the latest in crazywear.

After you get done spouting this nonsense, no one will ask you why you’re so quiet again. The answer will be obvious: you’re insane.

Send in the Clowns – The Republican Bid for the White House

2012-02-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

Ah, I am back from my blog vacay, and ready to start ranting again as only I know how. Today I want to write about the Republicans. Yeah, I know you’re probably sick of hearing about those guys, join the club. But seriously, how entertaining has it been for those who are paying attention and actually care? About as fun as any travelling clown show I imagine. See, I haven’t been paying close attention precisely because the candidates are clowns and I don’t think America is quite as stupid as the Europeans think we are. If, say, a sensible candidate were still running or several (like Jon Huntsman) I might have some level of interest and concern.

RNC: Republican National Cavalcade of Clowns

Unfortunately for the clown constituency that comprises the Republican base, Huntsman bowed out a while ago and as I’m writing this Rick Santorum, whose last name now means something naughty and gross, thanks to Dan Savage has one not one but THREE freaking primaries. Not Mitt Romney whom they erroneously believe can beat Obama. Beyond his tanned, oleaginous façade Romney is just as extreme as the rest of them. Plus, he’s a rich dude completely out of touch with the common man and just good ol’ fashioned reality.

Yeah, Santorum won THREE! I can't believe it either, Prez.

So this is the Republican field. Ooh, I’m shaking in my little liberal (ish) booties. If Obama doesn’t get a second term, not only will we start sliding toward a theocratic fascist state, in which the poor are left to twist in the wind and women forced to bear their rapists babies, but we’ll undoubtedly piss off some unstable nation and start a thermal nuclear war. Hyperbolic? Hysterical? Just read for yourself some of the ranting coming from these nut bars.

Don't let the Republicans who are smoking crack turn our nation into a mushroom cloud.

Vote democratic. Our very lives depend on it.

I bid you good day.

Overheard on the Interwebs…Eating Disorder Double Standards

2011-07-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

I found this during my routine surfing adventures. It’s a comment on a story about the increasing incidences of eating disorders among women 35 and older. This post brings up an interesting issue, that there is a double standard in effect for those who have anorexia or bulimia versus those who have binge-eating disorder because the latter tend to be noticeably overweight. A warning, this post is gritty, bitter and emotional – and that’s why I needed to share it.

“Anorexics get pitied and reassured. Bulemics get sympathy and understanding. ‘Oh, you're so brave, you just need to be strong. We can get through this.’

“Binge eaters and sugar addicts are referred to as "weak willed" or "gluttons," are beaten down, belittled and patronized, and get chided for being fat, unless they're not fat, in which case they get off scott-free.”

There is no kind, compassionate reassurance, there's just lots of disdain, disgust, mockery and abuse. Because we have one of "THOSE" disorders. The fatty disorders. The kind that makes ya fat, you fatty. Why you so fat? You're such a disgrace, to the whole human race, fatso. Put down the fork.

You might not think or say these things, but I assure you, most people hear "binge eating disorder" and think about a 600 pound Jabba scarfing down burgers like a cartoon character. Compassion and dignity is the furthest from their minds.

The compulsion to binge is just as strong as the compulsion to starve, but pardon them for not having the pretty, photogenic eating disorders.

It's all funny, right? Just hilarious jokes that for some reason only you can get in on.

Until your best friend dies because she failed to seek treatment for a treatable condition. Because she was convinced no one would help her, that no one could love her, that no one thought she was a mutually respectable human being. Because every day she'd walk home and get snorted at by passers-by, and the only way she could cope was to rely on comfort food.

Suddenly those fat jokes leave a sour aftertaste.

Or maybe they don't.

Maybe they're still just as funny to you.

Nothing funnier than a dead fatty, isn't there? I'd laugh with you, but she was one of my closest friends, so I don't feel much like sharing in the joke…

Overheard on the Interwebs: I Would Talk More If Not for the Stupid Ass Small Talk

2011-06-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

“Pretty much everything you guys have said hits the nail on the head for me. I remain quiet about most things because you can't really start up a conversation with someone about metaphysics (something that interest me, for example), say, while waiting for the bus, being out shopping, or walking down the street. It's nice and all to exchange pleasantries, but is not enough to make a true friend in my opinion. My line of thought tends to go something like "well, they said hi to me and I mumbled a response... now what the heck am I supposed to say?" All the while I am wondering if this person is going to be a worthwhile person to talk to. I know I come off as a snob this way and I don't know what to do about it.

Now on this board, we can talk about what interests us specifically because we can pick and choose the topics and we can label them with titles. Face-to-face conversation doesn't work that way... we can't pick and choose what we want to talk about so easily.

I find this to be a conundrum because I still have to interact with people in the real world, and it is becoming increasingly awkward for me because I feel this build up of energy within me the longer I stay quiet. If I'm not careful that energy turns into negativity and I start having bad thoughts about people. This is why I am becoming more and more of a recluse over time... the only place I truly feel at ease is at home, where I spend the vast majority of time behind my computer screen.

maybe I just need to get out more or something? or get more hobbies so I have more to talk and/or think about while I'm out in public? I dunno. I'd like to think I could talk about a fairly wide range of topics, but I just don't know how to approach them without sounding completely abrupt, like I'm just being an interviewer or something.”

This is a common introvert complaint from a person on Social Anxiety Support Forum, and I’m going to assume that like me, this individual is a Shytrovert. Here’s what I have to say to all you intros and shytros out there: you will have to face the sickening realization that being a skilled socializer involves wading in the drecky waters of shallow, vapid small talk. I’m sorry. But there it is. It’s hard. I know it is. But in situations with strangers you are forced to seek the LCD (lowest common denominator) of conversational topics precisely because the person is unfamiliar to you and there is no way to gauge ahead of time their interests, likes, dislikes, etc. EXCEPT through the painful and frequently awkward getting to know you phase that necessitates small talk.

I know nothing annoys me more than going to a party and being asked 110 times what I do for a living or God forbid to getting cut out of a conversation when people start talking about sports I don’t watch or activities I do not engage in. Oh, let me not forget, my favorite conversations (sarcasm) involve great vacation spots I can visit and exactly how many miles it is from one destination to the next, ad nauseum. Unfortunately, socializing successfully is all about this crap. It’s rare that you will find someone you seriously click with that does share your esoteric interests.

Your best bet is to learn the rules so you have a greater chance at hitting the right conversational button that might lead you to that person. In the meantime, study up. Learn how to smile a lot (not too much) ask leading, open-ended questions, and act like you’re interested. Learn how to extricate yourself and exist in the crowd without looking sad and bored as shy folks are wont to do.

Did you know a lot of outgoing people smile a lot while they talk? Watch them and learn those outgoing mannerisms. You will have to learn to fake it until you make it like yours truly. Not saying I’m expert, I’m still learning; but I get better and better every day. I have no choice. My husband is very outgoing with tons of friends and occasionally I have to spend time with these people. I just pretend to be extroverted during those times. Yes, it’s fucking exhausting but so is hearing my husband ask me repeatedly if I had fun or not. Do I? Sometimes. Some of his friends are quite amusing and like to be amused. I know I’ll go to hell for this, but I love it when something insane happens like somebody gets pissy drunk and makes a pass at someone else’s wife or a fight nearly breaks out. Drama is excellent when you can watch a proverbial train wreck from the sidelines. But honestly, most of the time I’m bored shitless and can’t wait to leave. This past weekend all I could think about is how all the people time was distracting me from reading the Sunday paper or catching up on my movie watching.

Of course, for extroverts, that kind of stuff is what you do because there’s no one to talk to no social thing to attend and/or its lousy outside. But that’s another post for another day.

Somebody Needs to Fuck Up that Idiot Satoshi Kanazawa

2011-05-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

Psychology Today, a publication I will no longer read, allowed Evolutionary Psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa to post to its website a supposedly objective study that proves black women are uglier on average than every other ethnicity. Then, to add further to this ridiculous insult, they refused to remove the “study” from their website until after a firestorm that erupted worldwide of enraged (and sadly mostly black females) calling for them to do so. It wasn’t until a whole week had passed that they decided to issue a formal apology. In the Shytrovert’s humble opinion Kanazawa is a racist BITCH and the racist white folks he obviously was trying to impress don’t view him any favorably than they do blacks. So that makes him a fucking idiot too. He has only proved one thing with his study. That racism against black people is alive and well.

No Study Needed To Know Black Women Devalued

Of course black women are perceived to be less attractive than other races of women. Did we seriously need this piece of shit research to know that? It's patently obvious to anyone with two eyes and a brain. This is America, a country founded on white supremacy and keeping its foot on the neck of blacks and other racial so-called minorities for 400 years, people. I was only offended by this study because it is RACIST. Not because my feelings are hurt that, surprise, is a racist country that holds white is superior in every way, thinks I'm ugly. I already knew that, and I have never bought into that. I know who I am, and I know what this country is.
I Know I'm Not Ugly

They say I'm ugly, but it doesn't stop the white, black, Asian, or Hispanic men from hitting on me non-withstanding my beautiful unlined chocolate colored skin, short natural hair, round a** curvaceous hips and high riding tittays. I'm even married to a white guy. I know I'm beautiful, and I know there exists a concerted, racially driven effort among many to try and disinvest me of this knowledge.

The "Study" Is Part of A Backlash Against Black Women

This is a backlash, pure and simple. It’s well known that whenever a group begins to make strides, the powers that be will institute a mighty push back to shove that group back into its place. So let’s see, who has been making strides of late? BLACK WOMEN. We are going to school in ever higher numbers, we are in the public eye as media moguls, government officials, first ladies, we are in the workplace and we are marrying white men. I am not worried about fools like Kanazawa. I see his "study" and other bullshit denigrating the beauty and humanity of the black woman for what they are: the latest weapons in a war against me. A war being waged because of fear and envy and I refuse to buy into this shit.

Black Women Are Quite Feminine - Scientific Fact

And another thing, black women actually have more ESTROGEN than other women. Wouldn’t it then follow that we are MORE feminine on average? Hate propaganda like detritus Kanazawa had the balls to spew is precisely why I stopped trying to live up to a Eurocentric standard of beauty. I realized that every time I paid a stylist to put dangerous chemicals on my hair to alter its natural texture I was unwittingly reinforcing the ideology of white supremacy and denigrating my unique African beauty.

I urge black women everywhere to take a courageous first step and STOP relaxing, weaving, and wearing colored contacts. Why should we mimic oppressive standards and give idiots ammunition to point to our actions as proof of their imagined superiority. If we don't show pride in who we really are and respect ourselves we can't expect anyone else to respect us. Lastly, black men: not enough of you stood up for us. To those who did not and those who believe Kanazawa, suck a dick, bitches. And don’t you ever glare at me again when I’m out with my white husband. You know who you are.

Random Ass Post Tuesday

2011-05-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

Today’s Random Ass Post concerns the delectable Mr. Johnny Depp and why he, to my knowledge, has NEVER been dogged by the press about whether or not he has gone under the knife. Meanwhile, his contemporary, the equally delectable Ms. Demi Moore, is constantly dogged about it. Oooh weee, what’s up with that? Double standard much?

Maybe people take it for granted that women age some much faster and more poorly than men (they don’t) or that women are scrutinized much more for their looks than men (absolutely true and positively unfair). Such is life. Still, it’s an annoying double standard.

Ms. Moore is also famous for starting the “cougar” trend of “older” women marrying younger men (or using them for purely carnal pleasure) - something men have done for millennia without so much as a raised societal eyebrow. Even though Ms. Moore is only 15 years her husband’s senior – biologically old enough to be his mother, but socially old enough to be his big sister – she catches hell for it.

Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage married a young woman 22 years his junior, and Woody Allen scandalized Hollywood by taking up with and eventually marrying his step daughter - 34 years his junior. Despite these high profile dirty old men marrying mere girls, society didn’t confer upon a whole category of such men a snappy, predatory name like “wolf,” or “bear.”

Examples of male/female age gaps like those previously mentioned are just a few of the reasons I find the term “cougar” highly offensive. Cougar as a descriptor for older women who date younger men is simply sexist, ageist and highlights all the double standards women are consistently subjected to.

For the love of all that’s holy, can someone explain to me how it’s perfectly okay for a man to date an actual GIRL – while it’s not okay for a woman to date a grown ass man less than 20 years her junior?

On a personal level, I could care less about age-gap relationships. As long as two consenting adults can overcome whatever generational and social hurdles they’ll ultimately face to be together, more power to them. Sure, dating someone who is 20 when you’re 50 is a little odd, creepy even. And it just doesn’t matter if the younger person is male, female or something in between. But who am I? The dick and pussy police?

If the media and anyone else are going to pester Demi Moore about her alleged plastic surgeries and her age relative to her husband's, why should her male colleagues get a free pass? Shit, for all we know Johnny Depp drinks the blood of eight-year-old boys to continue looking as young as he does. But somehow, his good looks at 48 are never scrutinized simply because he is male.

Frankly, I think we all need to get over ourselves. The reality: more than we can imagine – middle age is not some magic threshold that one passes over then suddenly fines themselves degenerating into a wrinkled mass of flesh. Actually, how people age varies from individual to individual. Just as no single 13-year-old looks the same, no single 40-, 50- or 60-something looks the same.

It’s entirely possible that Demi Moore is telling the absolute truth: she has had nothing done to her face. Plenty of people, even white folks, look youthful for their age. Women included. Wow, what a concept.

Dieting? Keep your mouth shut and don’t tell anybody either…

2011-05-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Go public with your weight loss plans - so advises Spark People, a website that encourages people to drop pounds through peer support and calorie counting. Have you heard this crap before?

According to Spark People:

"The more people who know about your goals, the more support you’ll get and the harder it will be to find places where you feel comfortable NOT doing what you’ve said you want to do. Sometimes, embarrassment and peer pressure can be your friends."

*The Shytrovert laughs uproariously* This is bullshit. I’ll tell you why, at least in my experience. When I began on my weight loss journey in 2003, the saboteurs crawled out of the wood work conspiring to keep me tipping the scales at 195 lbs. Mind you; these weren’t jealous girlfriends or well-meaning co-workers who tried to make me feel better by saying “you,re not that big!”

No, these were people near and dear to me. Like the aunt that claimed that I was too old (30s) to be 120 lbs, my goal weight (Incidentally, 120 lbs is a perfectly reasonable weight for any woman who is 5’3” or 5’4”) or how about my significant other, sister, and girlfriends who would coax me to eat by saying “just one isn’t gonna kill you” or my personal favorite, “Don’t you want just a few fries?”

I’m sure everyone who has ever fought the battle of the bulge can relate to these anecdotes. The unfortunate truth is people don’t like it when you go changing on them. They are used to relating to you as you are, and if you change, by necessity they must also change – and they don’t like that. Sadly, support is not what you get when trying to lose weight unless you’re with people who are also trying to lose weight.

Trust me: your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend/kids do not want you to take away the foods they like or adapt to your new eating plan and they sure as shit don’t want to get up before 6 a.m. to exercise. They may even feel guilty because they know they should do something about their health, but mentally they’re not there yet . Don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It’s just human nature.

That’s why I am adamant about NOT involving the people close to you. If you can, don’t say a thing, because people suck and they will try to bring you down out of jealousy, fear or guilt. I know. I know. These are not nice things to think about your loved ones. But human nature doesn’t respect familial ties and if you want to get thin, you likely will have to do an end run around your saboteurs. I’m getting up just before six every day to exercise now. Studies have shown that people who exercise in the morning tend to stick with it – I imagine because there’s no bullshit to deal with in the wee hours, typically.

When I decided to cram exercise into my mornings, I didn’t tell my husband anything. That’s right. Love him, but he’s a saboteur. And he asks the most annoying questions. Are you losing weight yet? Is this all I get to eat? Why are you making separate nachos? Urgh!!!!! He’s one reason why I don’t talk about dieting or what I can or won’t eat. I eat whatever, in moderation. I never turn down food saying I’m on a diet.

My job is also rife with sabotage. My boss is the worse; always dolling out cookies and chocolate. No problem. I go ahead and accept them…into the garbage. That’s right. I have no compunction about throwing out “food” if need be. You can do the same.

Bottom line: losing weight requires doing whatever the hell you must to succeed. It is literally war. There are landmines everywhere and enemy combatants committed to your utter failure. Like a good general, you need to keep your plans close to the vest and take offensive action to deflect their attacks. The biggest saboteur you have to deal with is yourself. If you’re not managing your environment and setting yourself up to succeed you are planning to fail.

Ten Hut!

Another diet book…NOT

2011-05-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Shane Jeremy James book Think, Act, Love, Lose Weight couldn’t have come at a better time. Even in an era with shows like Heavy and The Biggest Loser, chronicling the struggles of the morbidly obese, the nation's collective waist line continues to expand despite a booming 30-billion dollar diet and fitness industries. What in the hell is going on? According to James it’s all in our heads - as in we need to get our minds right before we can get our bodies right.

I couldn’t agree more. As you know, if you read my blog, I’ve been struggling with my weight since 2003 when I finally decided to do something about it. Eight years and 50 pounds later (I gained back 20 of what I loss) I am in that space where I know what to do – and the only thing standing in my way is the execution. That’s why James’ book is so important. He really drives it home that there are no magic bullets and knowing what to do and how to do it isn’t enough for permanent change. You must not only want it, but put that desire to work consistently every day through total and complete lifestyle change.

James has worked with thousands of clients, motivating them to take the weight off for good. He’s not the typical “weight loss guru” promising instantaneous results – what he is offering however is a way for people to finally step off of the emotional and physical rollercoaster of fad diets, gain and loss, guilt and transgression.

Says James:

“The only way that you can keep the weight off permanently is if you understand how to change your thinking process and then take action with new behavior,” James writes in his popular blog. “Think about this: It does not matter if you have the best exercise routine in the world and the best eating plan, if you can’t get yourself motivated.”

In other words: get your head right, fatty!

Check out James’ book Think, Act, Love, Lose Weight on Amazon.com

Overheard on the Interwebs…. what women over 40 should wear… my ass

2011-05-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

The way some people tear down women who have aged past youth you’d think these women suddenly transform into hairy werewolves that bay at the full moon and go running through the town ripping out the throats of babies.

According to societal dictates, when a woman turns 40 the proper thing for her to do is burn all her cute clothes, chop off her hair, jump into a gunny sack then plop down in a rocking chair and wait for the cold hand of death. Any woman not willing to go gently into the good night is subject to searing ridicule or labeled a cougar.

No, I don’t think cougar is a positive term. Another post for another day.

Seriously, what’s so terrible about a woman of 40 or more keeping up her appearance, being confident hot and sexy? Why in the hell should she listen to people - sometimes half her age - tell her how she should dress? I think it’s stupid.

I know I have no plans to listen to anyone tell me what clothes are appropriate for me according to my age. I spit on their ridiculous lists, like the one this 40ish woman recently responded to on a blog entitled “10 Things Women over 40 Shouldn’t Wear.” Here it is:

“Most of the things on this list are absurd. Why shouldn’t over 40 women wear mid length coats or capris? Or bikinis, for that matter. The question is not age; it’s body shape. There are A LOT of 20-something gals out there wearing things they do not have the body style for. Low rise pants look good on about 0.5% of the population for example.

I loved Lynda’s comment regarding people who try to put you in a box and make you feel like you don’t exist. Turning 40 is not a reason to slink away in shame. It’s around that age that you really start coming into your own and being proud of who you are inside.

A patriarchal and misogynistic society is what encourages the hatred and disdain of women who have reached an age where they know exactly who is full of B.S….namely the paunchy, balding midlife-crisis-suffering men who can only feel better about themselves if they keep trading down with younger women, or the pinched, anorexic conveyors of unhealthy body image, most likely found in the fashion industry.

Wear classic, flattering styles. Actually look at yourself in a full length mirror to access whether or not a style suits you, and then wear what makes you happy. Anybody who wants to dictate your choices can either shut up or offer to foot your clothing expenses. I vote for the former.”

Me too, girl. Me too.

They're here…

2011-05-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

If you’ve ever lost a loved one or wondered what it was like on the other side, Maureen Hancock’s riveting account of her life as a medium, a psychic who can communicate with the spirits of the dead, will buoy your hopes and offer succor to your soul. Love really is forever, and The Medium Next Door, offers proof that even hard-core skeptics will find difficult to refute.

Maureen Hancock began communing with the spirits of the dead at the tender age of five. This gift to tear the veil of our present existence was passed down to her as the descendant of an ancient line of Irish mystics. Within the confines of family her abilities were accepted as common place, but among her peers and the rest of the world, Maureen hid her gifts for fear of ridicule and misunderstanding. Over the years, the more she hid that side of herself, the more that side of herself remained hidden, until she was no longer able to access the spiritual realm at all.

That all changed with a car crash that nearly took her life. From that moment on, she was overtaken by the cacophony of spirits inside her head clamoring for her ear. Back in to touch with her abilities, and with the spirits to guide her, Maureen set about helping her to solve cases and uncover fraud as a litigation paralegal in Boston. Fate intervened once more on 9/11 when the souls of the violently slain New Yorkers in the twin towers called out to her. It was at that pivotal moment that she fully accepted her calling. Today, Maureen continues to apply her gifts to bring the living in contact with the dead, help transition the dying, and assist the authorities in any way she is able.

For anyone who doubts the existence of a plane that transcends the death, The Medium Next Door is a revelation. It certainly was for me. I have never feared death, only the pain that often unfortunately accompanies it. Now I realize that the pain I fear is temporary – that the love I have for my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends who have passed on will be waiting for me the minute I take my last breath.

The Medium Next Door is truly a compelling read, and I never use the word compelling lightly. Ever.

Check out Hancock’s book at Amazon.com

On Weighty Issues

2011-05-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

Why is it that in America we are so all or nothing with our weight? Nobody has a clue what a true average size is, and claims that clearly obese women are merely curvy while slender women are anorexic (or not "real" women) are preposterous. Here’s what I think. Oh, yeah, you saw that coming. NOBODY should be able to see every vertebra in your back or your chest bones. I don’t mean your clavicle, but the bones that lead from your sternum to your rib cage. These are bones that are only visible on death camp survivors, malnourished children, and yes, anorexic women.

Likewise, your thighs should not rub together to the point where they are chaffing you, your stomach should not lop over your belt, you should not look nine months pregnant when you’re not, and your arms should not be flapping like a flag in a 4th of July parade. These are characteristics of obese people (BMI of 30 or higher). In general you should not have an excess of fat on your body. It should look far more firm than giggly, whatever your age. This is the primary characteristic of being at a normal weight, period.

I’ve been thin, fat and everything in between. Right now I’m overweight (BMI between 25 and 29.9). My thighs rub but they do not chafe. Still, they feel gross without some intermediary fabric. My arms jiggle a little, I’ve been lucky in that regard. Nothing some weight lifting won’t help. I have a tiny spare tire, but no muffin top, thank you Jesus. Spanx clears that right up! They are a miracle if you’re just overweight as opposed to obese. Beyond a size 12 for me, there would be no point in Spanx. I am just obese at that size and look it. I’m 5’3” and wear a size 10. Sometimes I squeeze into an 8. I am what the brothas call “thick.” I would prefer to just be slender/curvy like I was a mere 3 years ago. As long as I can manage my snack attacks and get my ass in the gym, it’s going to happen.

I hate being part of the overweight black woman statistic. Did you know that black women on average have higher rates of obesity than whites and Hispanics? I also learned the other day that being overweight in your prime years is linked to dementia. Yikes! Are you overweight? What are you doing to get slim? Or are you a psycho fat acceptance proponent. Yes, you read that right. I think fat acceptance is insane. But that’s another post for another day.

Tip Toe through the Racism

2011-05-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

In the wake of Donald Trump’s dubious triumph of getting the President to release his long-form birth certificate, my mind turns to the rabid Birther Movement. How did this crazy train get started and why? Apparently during the 2008 election the Clinton camp floated the question of Obama’s citizenship, aiming to decimate his chance at winning the nomination, and the more unhinged elements of the Right-wing camp took it and ran. This, despite the fact that his short form was good enough for the officials that vetted his bid for the nomination in the first place.

In a country as deeply racist as ours, where some consider any non-white person to be not fully American, it’s easy to foment doubts in the minds of bigots about people who don’t look like they do. Now, before I get going on a full tilt rage, I want to direct you to what one of my favorite bloggers on this topic has to say. His name is Julian Abagond, and he writes clearly and articulately on the topic of American racism.

Abagond believes as I do that the Birther Movement is racist, and he calls it out for what it is, instead of tip-toeing around the obvious. Unfortunately, as you will notice, some of his commenters do not share this view. In fact many will seem to be apologists for the Birther Movement and members of the “Anything But Racism” crew. Judge for yourself! Here is the link.

One Down, Millions to Go

2011-05-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

On Monday, May 2nd, the White House announced the demise of notorious terror mastermind Osama bin Laden and a riot of pro-American fervor swept through the nation with crowds gathering outside of the White House chanting USA, USA, USA! I, for one, was astonished. I NEVER dreamed that we would actually get the guy. After all, it’s been a decade! It truly felt like we were sitting on our thumbs the whole time, then all of a sudden Navy Seals bust into a compound in Pakistan, located above ground at that, and shoot that evil bastard Osama in the eye killing him. Political score card: Obama = 1, Bush & Republicunts = 0. Guess who’s getting reelected? There’s no way he’s not. His approval rating jumped from 30-something percent to 50 percent following the assassination.

Besides, any half-way serious contenders for 2012 on the R-side have bowed out of consideration: Romney, Barbour, can’t think of anyone else. That shows you how sad their field is (or how horrible my memory). Meanwhile, the lunatics have taken over the asylum. Donald Trump is out there demanding the President’s long-form birth certificate and is satisfied in his request. While Trump basked in his pyrrhic victory, Obama had the last laugh at the White house Correspondence dinner, where he roasted Trump unmercifully as the latter sat at there in the audience rocking back and forth in his chair, and I imagine, biting his lip to contain a simmering rage. If you didn’t see our Comic-n-Chief going after the guy you must check it out: Trump Roast

Now that Osama is dead, and Trump has been put in his place, does this signal a new era of cooperation between the Obama White House and the Republicans? Maybe. Dick “Shoot ‘em in the face” Cheney, of all people, has already gone on record as congratulating the President, and so far, I’ve heard nothing derogatory or diminishing from the Right-wing echo-chamber. Hopefully the detente will continue. Let’s just hope that once Obama wins his second term - and I am certain he will - that he doesn’t squander the opportunity to finish the change he promised us.

USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

Overheard on the Interwebs – Beware the Woman Who Hates Other Women

2011-02-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

A guy asks for some advice about a nice-looking girl he wants to date but who has a ton of male friends. He wants to know if he should be concerned. HELL YEAH. My opinion is that women who hate other women are obviously self-hating. Just like the black men who ONLY have a preference for white, Asian, or Hispanic women or any woman - as long as she’s not black like him. This isn't preference, it's extreme prejudice, in The Shytrovert’s humble opinion. But self-hating black dudes are another post altogether. As for this woman hating woman, here’s the advice given to the guy, let’s call him Romeo, who wants to get jiggy with the chick-hater:

“If a woman says she does not like other women, what that really means is that she is "competitive" with other women. This also means her own sense of self, and self-validation, is contingent upon receiving *male* attention. This is not a healthy indication at all.”

Can I get an AMEN?

“…be wary of any woman who has NO female friends. It isn't jealously on the part of other women - plenty of extremely gorgeous women have loads of female friends - it's her and her own insecurities. I haven't had friends like that (of course) but when I've met women like that I've always sensed deep-seated anger issues. One guy I knew dated a girl like that and when he dumped her (she was hot but psycho) she carved his name + "is an asshole" AND his phone number all over the bathroom walls of a bar. Actually, come to think of it, most 'psycho-chicks' I've met didn't have female friends.”

Preach, girl.

So there you have it, Romeo. Girls who hate girls are angry, insecure bitches who probably hate their mommas.

There are No Preferences only Prejudices

2011-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

Only dating white women to the exclusion of black women if you are black is not a preference – it’s prejudice. And I for one a sick and tired of those who continue to claim this. If shutting out women who look like you were truly a preference, then you would not feel the need to bad mouth them. I prefer a man be taller than me, but I would not kick a man out of bed for eating crackers if he weren’t. Big difference.

Men who “prefer” anything that’s not black are self-hating, period. Let’s call it what it is. They have sadly internalized cultural messages that blackness is undesirable, inferior, ugly. Particularly in women. When the beauty ideal is Caucasian, successful men -and even not so successful men - who feel entitled to the best will seek those women who embody the ideal.

This is why yours truly shuns the standard of beauty to which she and countless women feel pressured to aspire. What does this mean? Celebrating my curves and not trying to run off every ounce of ass I have (no I’m not fat, 5’4” and 120 lbs), not wearing weaves or straightening my hair, and not wearing colored contacts.

Black women, if you are honest with yourselves, you know you should stop trying to emulate women who don’t look like us. You don’t have to look mestizo or Caucasian to be beautiful. Look no further than Lauren Hill and Erika Badu. We are beautiful women; we are the first women. Sorry to get all Afrocentric on you, but until we accept our own beauty, love it, nurture it we will always be seen as less-than.

If you are straightening your hair, weaving yourself up within an inch of your life, wearing wigs, and don’t want to deal with your nappturally curly hair - its not just a preference. It’s a form of self-hatred. It’s an implicit acknowledgement that women with straight, flowing hair are more beautiful.

As we celebrate black history month, let’s reaffirm our worth by facing our “preferences “for what they truly are – internalized prejudice and vow to do better by the next generation. Remember the rallying cry of the 60s: Black is Beautiful? We need to revisit it and believe in it.

Egypt’s Uprising

2011-01-31T10:48:00.000-08:00

“I brought my American passport today in case I die today. I want the American people to know that they are supporting one of the most oppressive regimes in the world and Americans are also dying for it.”

Marwan Mossaad, 33, graduate student of architecture, dual Egyptian-American Citizen

They’re poor, they’re ruled by autocrats, and they’re pissed. They’re the Arabs, and they’re not going to take their rulers’ shit anymore. Good for them. More countries in Africa need to stand up and be counted. I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for them all the way. Unfortunately what we have here is more than a people bravely standing up to corrupt forces. What we have here is a diplomatic nightmare that could lead to Armageddon if it’s not handled right. President Obama is urging political reform in Egypt and for Mubarak not to harm the protesters. But you know what? Although Mubarak has appointed a new cabinet to appease his people, the drum beat of discontent continues unabated. Meanwhile, Israel, with an ouster of Mubarak, would be vulnerable again if say, that Muslim Brotherhood, which is tight with Hamas, gets a foothold in a new government. YIKES!!!! Isn’t the Middle East enough of a nightmare already?

Meanwhile speaking of Hamas they and the Palestinian Authority are keeping silent and above the fray hoping the upraising train doesn’t pull into their town. This is some scary shit, people. Possible complete destabilization of the Middle East isn’t a good thing. All we can hope for is a peaceful resolution and that other autocratic Arab rulers get the picture that they need to change the bullshit ways.

Why can’t we just enjoy our food in this country?

2011-01-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Only organic for you!

Recently at my job, some fitness experts have come in and started evangelizing for clean eating. You know, the organic this and the organic that people. All I could think about was how most people in America and the world have no choice as to whether their tomatoes don’t get sprayed with pesticides or whether their burger meat comes from a cow raised on grass. They simply can’t afford to have these concerns. Hell, I can’t really afford to! Besides, most people I know don’t eat organic foods, weren’t raised on organic foods, and guess what? They’re fine. No chronic ills, no protuberant physiques.

They don't call it that for nothing.

I must tell you, I can’t stand the whole yuppie I’m-eating-holier-than-thou patina of the clean food club. Annoying! I choose to eat in the same manner as the author of the book"French Women Don’t Get Fat", Mireille Guiliano: reasonable portions of good food that I love. Even though I was raised like most Americans on a diet of burgers, fries, pizza, hot dogs and soda, I’ve discovered that I don’t love most of that stuff enough to make it a large part of my diet. I do however love wine, espresso, dark chocolate, olives, avocados, spinach, berries, mangoes, bakery fresh breads, tofu, soy milk, Greek yogurt, cheese, eggs, fish (especially salmon), chicken, hamburgers, beans, brown rice, and soup. So my diet revolves around those main items because I really, really like eating these things. I also load myself up with fruits and vegetables, drink plenty of water, and walk a half an hour a day and lift light weights.

It's a paradox wrapped in a crepe and washed down with red wine.

I absolutely refuse to have complex about the foods I put in my body. Who wants to be the chick at the party who can’t eat anything or worse has to lecture everyone about how they shouldn’t be eating their nachos because of the saturated fat? I mean, seriously, do we need to do advanced calculus on every morsel we put to our lips? Eating is as much about pleasure as it is about nourishment, but I think we’ve lost sight of that in America. I just want to eat and enjoy my food. Don’t you?

Brand New Year, Same Old Crap. Welcome to 2011!

2010-12-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

It’s 2011, holy crap! We’re deep into the 21st Century, and I have to say, the only thing that has changed much from a technological standpoint is how we keep in touch with one another. We still for the most part use gas in cars that drive around on the ground; we still have telephones, fancy though they may be; we still have TV - it’s just bigger, flatter, and has better resolution; and, big and, we are still fucking ironing clothes!?

Seriously, IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY. Why in the hell are we still ironing? For that matter why are we still cooking and washing clothes and dishes? I’ll tell you why: men are in charge. Men make up most of the science and technological community, and - for the most - they don’t play a huge role in raising children or doing housework. Heard of Second Shift? If they did, we would’ve had the Roomba a long freaking time ago, and all clothes would be made of wrinkle-free material that sanitized itself in the sun.

Needless to say, there would also be a male birth control device because who wants to put their future in some skank’s hands who coos “I’m on the pill baby, don’t worry?” So, as we move forward into the only century many of us will ever live in, my hope is that as more women will enter the fields of science and technology and invent more devices that make practical sense in our everyday lives. Sure, the Internet and GPS and cars and crap are cool. But I would have a lot more leisure time if I didn’t have to cook, clean, and iron shit every day. Just a thought.

WTF is Kwanzaa anyway? I’m glad you asked…

2010-12-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

Today is the 4^th day of Kwanzaa, a holiday created in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga a professor of Africana Studies at California State University--Long Beach. In the wake of the civil rights movement, black people were getting in touch with their heritage and feeling a renewed sense of pride. Black history departments were burgeoning in American universities like UCLA and African states like Kenya and Botswana had gained their independence. The time was ripe for a celebration of Pan- Africanism.

According to Dr. Karena:

“Kwanzaa is rooted in and developing out of the ancient origins of African first-fruit harvest celebrations and the modern origins of the Black Freedom Movement, Kwanzaa teaches and cultivates cultural grounding and ethical principles and practices dedicated to the cooperative creation and sharing of good in the world.”

Kwanzaa is a Swahili word that means first fruits of the harvest. Karenga chose Swahili as the language of Kwanzaa because of its status as a sort of lingua franca in Africa. The holiday was intended as a celebration of history and a way for Africans in the Diaspora to celebrate their commonalities and come together in the spirit of brotherhood.

Kwanzaa begins the day after Christmas and lasts until New Year’s Day. The seven days of Kwanzaa are called Nguzo Sbaba (seven principles). The ceremony of Kwanzaa involves a kinara (candleholder), Mkeka (mat), Kikombe cha Umoja (The Unity Cup) and Mishumaa Saba (The Seven Candles - three green, three red and one black) which symbolize the seven principles. The colors of the candles are also symbolic: black for the people, red for their struggles, and green for hope arising from their struggles.

The implements of Kwanzaa have a central place in the home. The kinara goes on top of the Mkeka (mat) as does the Kikombe cha Umoja (unity cup) Mazao (crops), and two ears of corn to symbolize the children in the community. Books on African culture and objects of African art are also placed next to the mat to reinforce the commitment to culture and education.

Nguzo Saba

1. Umoja (unity) symbolized by the black center candle on the kinara

2. Kujichagulia (self-determination) symbolized by one of three red candles on the left

3. Ujima (collective work and responsibility) symbolized by one of three red candles on the left

4. Ujamaa (cooperative economics) symbolized by one of three red candles on the left

5. Nia (purpose) symbolized by one of three black candles on the right

6. Kuumba (creativity) symbolized by one of three black candles on the right

7. Imani (faith) symbolized by one of three black candles on the right

The Kwanzaa Ceremony

On each day of Kwanzaa celebrates greet one another with: "Habari gani?" (What is the Word?) and answered with the corresponding Kwanzaa principle for that day, e.g., "Umoja", on the first day, "Kujichagulia", on the second, etc.
A candle is lit and a libation is poured to the ancestors in reverence and remembrance of those who taught us the good (Tamshi) in life. Then a passage is read from a book that illustrates the principle of the day. The celebration culminates in a feast (Karamu) and an exchange of gifts. Generally, gifts are reserved for children and linked to education or cultural heritage.

For more information about Kwanzaa and its history, visit Dr. Karenga’s website. There’s also a cool film about Kwanzaa called The Black Candle.

New Feature: Shytrovert Agony Aunt

2010-12-29T10:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, I’m back. Apparently few care judging from the 3 lifetime responses on this site. Any hew, I’m not bitter. At all. In a new feature I call The Shytrovert Solves All Your Problems, I pick some random advice request from the net and answer. Maybe my solutions will help you out. Or not. Whatever.

Here’s a common issue I find on the net: a woman past 30 who feels invisible.

Dear Shytrovert,

I noticed that at the age of 35, when I began to show signs of age, people stopped treating me like a human being. I'm now just a curiosity - something to whisper about. There are days when my inability to associate with people my own age (or anyone else for that matter) depresses me to the point of suicide. I don't care about looking older, looks don't matter to me. But what I don't understand is why it is when a woman gets older, suddenly she doesn't matter anymore?

No offense, but society considers you old and ugly. Old and/or ugly women get ignored. Young, attractive women are noticed more because:

A) That’s what men of all ages like, and they are always on the prowl and they run the world
B) We live in a competitive youth and looks-obsessed society

You can complain about it (best of luck with that) or get in the game. Fortunately for us “older” women, attractiveness and confidence can trump youth. So here are your marching orders: get prettier. Take an honest assessment of yourself, first. Are you out of shape? Start exercising. Are you fashion-challenged? Get on line and read about clothes, makeup, and hair. Once you start making the necessary efforts, you will begin to feel more confident, and when you feel more confident and look stylishly put together, people will begin to notice.

I know it sounds shallow, but that’s the world we live in. Attractive, confident older women are not invisible. Two words: Helen Mirren.

Seattle’s Racist History

2010-12-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

The roots of racial discrimination against blacks and other people of color run deep in America. Not only was there segregation and overt racism in the South, but the North, as well. After WWII, my grandparents came as far north as they could to Seattle to escape Jim Crow in the South. Unfortunately, they were in for a shock, because Seattle was nearly as racist and as segregated as some of the worst Southern cities and from what I hear, a lot of other Northern cities were pretty racist as well.

I was shocked Seattle. None of the old folks mentioned anything about the city's segregationist past. They just plopped down in the now gentrified Central District to live their lives. Maybe they wanted to forget. Whites lived North and in the West part of the city, but I didn’t realize until now that this was by design.

According to the Seattle Civil Rights & Labor History project:

For most of its history, Seattle was a segregated city as committed to white supremacy as any location in America. People of color were excluded from most jobs, most neighborhoods and schools, and many stores, restaurants, hotels, and other commercial establishments, even hospitals. As in other western states, the system of severe racial discrimination in Seattle targeted not just African Americans but also Native Americans, Asian Americans, Pacific Islanders, people of Mexican ancestry, and also, at times, Jews.

In the 1950s there was a restaurant in town called Coon Chicken of all things! And, up until the 1960s, many neighborhoods in Seattle practiced racial exclusion; white-only clauses can still be found on the property deeds in some neighborhoods. On March 15, 2006, Washington’s Governor, Christine Gregoire, signed a law to make it easier for neighborhoods to get rid of these racially restrictive covenants.

I just wanted to post this to inform all of the racism deniers that it does indeed exist It is not some long, forgotten vestige of the old South. It has an influence on the lives of blacks and other people of color into the present day - even in a place as liberal and far north as Seattle, Washington.

To learn more visit the Seattle Civil Rights & Labor History Project

NYC Soda Ban on Foodstamp Recipients? Why Stop There?

2010-10-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

When I read that New York City's Mayor Michael Bloomberg was thinking of banning food stamp recipients from buying soda pop, I was appalled. Using food stamps to buy drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol is one thing; these are noted killers, particularly of the poor. But soda? As far as I know, there are no concrete links between soda and cancer or even obesity for that manner. You can enjoy it in moderation, as I do, and never gain an ounce. Also, some diabetics rely on soda or pop as they call it in my neck of the woods to stave off a life-threatening coma. But here’s the kicker. Pop is a killer for many people in the third world.

Because of Coke, Pepsi, and their respective bottled water companies, the poor in countries like India, China, and Mexico go without potable water because its being used in their manufacturing processes big time. Second only to sunshine and oxygen, water is one of our most precious resources. According to change.org, one in eight of people on the planet don’t have access to clean and safe drinking water. OMG? WTF?

This is a human rights issue people, never mind its environmental and global components. Even though we live in the developed world, it is definitely OUR issue. There’s only so much water on this big blue marble, and if we want to continue living on it in relative peace, we need to step up and let the powers-that-be know we refuse to stand by and watch it be squandered.

Take action: blogactionday.change.org

Americans divided over whether President Barack Obama or GWB has performed better in the White House says CNN article. OMG! WTF? Really?

2010-10-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

Am I living in an alternate bat shit crazy universe? Is this Bizarro World? What. In. the. Hell. is going on with the American people? Seriously, we are confused about who is the better POTUS Bush or Obama? OMG! WTF? Really? According to New York Times Columnist Maureen Dowd, and I quote: “So now the Republican president who bungled wars and the economy and the Democratic president trying to dig us out are in a dead heat?” Precisely, Mo. Precisely.

Not only that, but as Dowd’s column points out - and anyone with eyes, ears, and a brain knows - Republicans are crazier than ever. From Beck claiming civil rights as the legacy of the GOP, to O’Donnell’s witchy, no spanking the nether regions monkey issues, they have reached dizzying heights of lunacy. Thanks to unlimited corporate campaign contributions (by the way, thanks Supreme Cunts, I mean Court) those psychos are able to marshal oodles of cash to steamroller over the competition and win seats. SCARY.

But you know what? I have a passport and I’m not afraid to use it to get the hell out of Dodge. If America is that stupid to have checked out in favor of Faux News and the next winner on “Dancing with the Stars,” they deserve EXACTLY what they - and the Tea Bag Party - have been asking for. Yes, that’s right. I said it. Let the right wing-nut fascists, racists, homophobe, sexist Nazi sympathizers “take back” their country. After four years of another pathetic dumb fuck Republican in the White House, a Repuli-crappy majority Congress, and the retraction of rights and privileges that will undoubtedly ensue, this great nation will be crying uncle soon enough. Then, who knows? She may even get her head out of her ass long enough to pay attention. Maybe. Meanwhile, I’ll be maxin’ and relxin’ in the more progressive and charming country of France. À bientôt bitches!

You Don't Have to be Gay to be for Gay Rights - Just Human

2010-10-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

You don’t have to be gay to be for gay rights. I am a pit bull for gay people’s rights. I think homosexuals and lesbians should be able to marry and live among us openly expressing who they are. They are not perverts by virtue of being gay – God knows there’s plenty of perversion to go around.

Gay people love their same sex, and I’m not the least uncomfortable or bothered by this fact. Actually, I would dearly love to stop hearing about it, and for it to become an accepted part of life in not only America, but everywhere. Why do I feel this way? I always assumed, for as long as I can recall, that gays were different but normal. I heard about gays for the first time when I was quite young. I must say, that it was a big shoulder shrugger for me, as things are for kids when adults present them with information in a matter-of-fact way. Without any subtext, I was told that some men like “doing it” with other men and that some women like “doing it” with other women. My response was "OK. I like boys," and that was that.

Flash forward to my adulthood when I am astonished to discover that for many people homosexuality is a major problem. Never mind that Jesus NEVER said anything respecting homosexuality (or abortion, but that’s another post). Somehow in the minds of some religious folk and others, these gay people, who are just following their natural proclivities, are choosing to go down a path wrought with incredible social stigma and the ever-present threat of bodily harm or death. College students are being taped during their most intimate moments, committing swan dives off the George Washington Bridge, or being beaten within an inch of their lives then forcibly sodomized with inanimate objects. Why? For loving who they love.

Being gay is not a choice any more than being straight is a choice. Many gay people agonize over feelings that science has proven to be perfectly natural. They struggle to fit into a hetero-centric world that constantly tells them they are an abomination, paints them as villains who want to rape innocent children, and then transform those children into perverted little sissies and tom boys.

I can assure you this: right now, at work, you are probably sitting next to someone who is gay; you probably have gay people among your circle of friends, in your family. They have always been here, they have always been queer, and as a nation and a world, we need to deal with it. Homosexuals are not the ones with the problem. Until society begins to treat gays like full-fledged human beings, I will stand up as an advocate for them. Gay is not a choice, but even if it were, so what? Love is not wrong, and by definition, love does no harm. Gay rights are human rights. It dehumanizes us all to deny basic rights to our citizens.

Anti-Bullying Campaigns Part of Gay Agenda? WTF? Oh Really?!

2010-09-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Focus on Family says anti-bullying efforts in schools push gay agenda

By Electa Draper, The Denver Post

As kids head back to school, conservative Christian media ministry Focus on the Family perceives a bully on the playground: national gay-advocacy groups.

School officials allow these outside groups to introduce policies, curriculum and library books under the guise of diversity, safety or bullying-prevention initiatives, said Focus on the Family education expert Candi Cushman.

"We feel more and more that activists are being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric to introduce their viewpoints, while the viewpoint of Christian students and parents are increasingly belittled," Cushman said.

Public schools increasingly convey that homosexuality is normal and should be accepted, Cushman said, while opposing viewpoints by conservative Christians are portrayed as bigotry.

Yes. This is an actual news item in a major paper.

Apparently, Focus on the Family believes that protecting children from bullies is something of concern only to gays, and supporting anti-bullying measures somehow disparages conservative Christians. WTF? First of all, and maybe I’m insane, but it occurs to me gay kids are not the only ones who get bullied. Any kid can be a target: nerds, shy kids, kids with weird names, any kid. Secondly, if anti-bullying is somehow an indictment of conservative Christianity, wouldn’t it follow that conservative Christians condone and/or perpetrate the bullying? Because that’s what Focus on the Family seems to suggest.

Listen, Focus on the Family, with your unbelievably laughable name, you are a bunch of bigoted, homophobic bitches. If there is a Jesus, I hope that he consigns you to the very same hell you have consigned anyone who doesn’t believe in your narrow views. I have read the Bible, and as I recall, it mentions something about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. I can only imagine that by intimating gays deserve to be bullied you have upset Jesus greatly and that he would not welcome you to sit at the right hand of the father. In fact, it would be a delicious twist of fate (or divine providence) if all the gays you have bullied over the years were chosen for that honor instead. Wouldn’t that just chap your self-righteous little hides?

Intolerant fucks like you make me sick. When will you get it through your thick sculls that homosexuality is normal, inborn, and not something a person chooses? Here’s some logic, and try to follow it. I know it’s tough for you. If homosexuals choose then that means heterosexuals choose as well. So when did you choose to be straight? That’s what I thought. Newsflash, dummies: There is no “Gay Agenda,” however, there is a Conservative Whack Job Agenda, and you’ve set it back big time. Claiming that anti-bullying is somehow an anti-Christian, gay conspiracy is a colossal failure of logic (read: fucking stupid) and an insult to true Christians everywhere.

Gays + normal folk, 1. Christian Taliban, 0.

Overheard on the Interwebs: Newsflash Introverted Guys “Sensitive & Sweet”

2010-09-01T16:12:00.001-07:00

I have a new column this month that I’m calling “Overheard on the Interwebs” I am a chronic surfer of all things that interest me, introversion being one of my top interests. I came across this touching story about a young lady who befriended an introverted guy and came to understand the treasure that so many of us can be. For any introverted guy out there who feels underappreciated by the ladies, I dedicate this, my first “Overheard on the Interwebs,” to you:

“I had a good friend in college who was an introvert. He almost never left his apartment. He didn't like going out partying, but we'd get a beer together once in a while or walk to Geno’s for a cheese steak. We hung out almost every day. He was a great guy. He was very quiet, very shy (especially with women) and very sensitive and sweet. We could really talk about things and open up to each other. I felt totally relaxed around him. I remember telling him that he's the type of guy I'd like to be with someday. I cried when he graduated and moved away. He has a girlfriend now and I know he's a great boyfriend to her. I'm really glad he met someone who "gets him" and accepts him the way he is. Hopefully I meet a guy one day that has those qualities he had. I know there are women out there (including me) who'd really appreciate an introverted, shy guy...”

Facebook is the Devil

2010-09-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

Facebook is the devil. I hate it, I rarely look at it. If you want to reach me call, text, or e-mail. If you go through Facebook I may not see your message for weeks or even months. I can barely keep up with the few friends I have let alone a gazillion acquaintances on Facebook. I don’t want to see your endless pictures going to and fro. If you’re that serious about putting them up on Facebook, I can only conclude that you don’t have much of a life. I do. That’s why I’m not on the effing Facebook 24/7. I rue the day when we’re all more connected than we are now and Facebook and Google rule our whole shit and you can’t take a shit without the whole world knowing about it. That day is rapidly dawning and I can only hope to find an abandoned cave in the mountains somewhere so I can hide away from it all. I think they call that living off the grid. Yep. That’s what I’ll be doing. Unfortunately it means I won’t be able to blog, but oh well, life is about choice and sacrifices.

Should you admit to people you are shy?

2010-08-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Various shyness experts around the blogosphere have suggested that if you’re a shy person you should admit this to others so as to avoid the misconception that you are aloof, unfriendly, or antisocial. However, given the propensity of folks to view shyness as a negative, how good an idea is this really? In my own experience, I have found it better to been seen as a snobby bitch on wheels than a weak, shrinking violet and potential pushover. Dr. Renee Gilbert, a Psychologist working out of Bellevue, Wash., has an intriguing perspective on the controversial issue of whether shy people should reveal or conceal. Here are her thoughts:

“I think the problem arises because there are two ways to be shy--the obvious way and the not so obvious way. The obvious way to be shy is to blush, tremble, twitch or otherwise physically manifest your shyness. The not so obvious way is to avoid eye contact with people, not have much to say or decline offers from others you'd like to accept, but that are too far outside of your comfort zone for you to feel comfortable attending.

Not so obvious shy people are often mistaken as arrogant or aloof--even by fellow shy people--when nothing could be farther from the truth. We're terrified on the inside. It's just that we don't show it on the outside. Now granted, if you're a not so obvious shy person in the middle of a crucial business negotiation where power is everything, you may not want to admit to being shy. In fact, in this one case, your shyness may prove to be an asset. Why not keep them guessing? Or, if you're hanging around people who are known to be bullies or gossips--people who are likely to misuse the information--you may want to keep your shyness to yourself. The good news is that most people aren't like that. Most people are relieved to hear that you're shy. You see, odds are that unless they have a reason to know better, most people will interpret your not so obvious shyness as a sign of arrogance or being stuck up, or simply as a sign that you don't like them...

But if you are an obvious shy person, there's no need to hide your shyness. Let's face it. The word is already out. Trying to ignore your shyness only makes you and the people around you uncomfortable. Labeling your shyness makes things easier for people because they don't have to pretend they're not seeing what they're seeing. They don't have to avoid making eye contact with you, because they see you're uncomfortable. They don't have to exclude you from the conversation, because they see that your hands are trembling. By telling people you're shy, you've told them that you want to be a part of what's going on and that it's OK if they notice you're a little uncomfortable. And that helps them feel more comfortable, too.”

Source: http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/

So, there it is. If you're a not-so-obvious shy person, like yours truly, keep it to yourself. If you're obviously shy, may as well fess up. What do you think?

Review of “The Happy Introvert” by Elizabeth Wagele

2010-08-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

“The Happy Introvert: a wild and crazy guide for celebrating your true self” by Elizabeth Wagele, is an engagingly written guide to celebrating one’s introversion. The book hooked me from the beginning with this pithy quote on page 1:

“Eastern cultures see introversion as a value and give it much esteem. Western cultures prefer extraversion. For a balanced, safe, and caring world, we must learn to value both.”

From its conversational tone to its cute and illustrative cartoons, this book celebrates the strengths of introversion without putting down extraverts. The book’s overall message is that as introverts we’re different but that difference is not wrong or weird.

I especially enjoyed the afterword which takes a look at the characters in Napoleon Dynamite. Wagele praises Napoleon, a “grumpy-looking, slack-jawed teenager,” as an “exemplary introvert who triumphs through being talented and sweet…strong and virtuous – a loyal friend and…hero who is…comfortable with himself.”

I found Ms. Wagele's book to be inspiring, informative and a quick read for adults or adolescents struggling to find a comfortable place in a world that overvalues extroversion.

Elizabeth Wagele is an award-winning cartoonist, children’s book illustrator, musician and the best-selling author of "The Enneagram Made Easy" and other books on personality types. She lives in Berkeley, California, with her husband, Gus.

To learn more about the book and Elizabeth Wagele, visit her website at

http://www.wagele.com/

WTF? Really?! Dr. Laura’s Racist-ass Rant

2010-08-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

I realize what I’m about to say will be controversial and it in no way represents the view of all black people, because obviously I am only one person who happens to be black. But the whole Dr. Laura debacle got me thinking about where I stand on the use of the word “nigger” (I hate the n-word euphemism). There are literally hundreds of derogatory words used to demean black people. Jigg, coon, spade, mooley, you name it. Nigger is just one such word. And if people stopped using it tomorrow, another one would crop up in it’s place. I won’t get into a big discussion about black American slang and how its mechanisms work. That’s beyond the scope of this post.

Anyway, I have no problem with its utterance if it’s used in a historical or illustrative context. I also have no problem with blacks or anyone else using its variants “niggah” or “niggaz” to describe their homeboys. In that context, it has taken on a wholly different meaning. So Whoopi, Kanye, and other comedians and entertainers of all stripes, go ahead and keep using the word as you please. I don’t give a shit. However, white folks, you better not use nigger or any variant, to describe me. The tongue lashing you’ll get won’t be pretty.

This issue with the Dr. Laura hubbub is that she wasn’t using it in a discussion of history or even to illustrate a “philosophical point” as she so speciously put it. She was using it in its original intent to hurt and demean. The caller asked for her help with a husband’s friends’ use of the word in her presence. What did Dr. Laura do? Tell the woman she was being too sensitive and defending the racist friends’ use of the word by saying that blacks call each other that all the time. When the lady objected, saying the word was offensive no matter what, Dr. Laura told her to not NAACP-her at once demonstrating her naked ignorance as well as her neocon political leanings. Then, knowing the caller objected to the word and found it offensive she went on to repeat, spitefully, the word nigger over and over.

Was she calling the woman a nigger? Not directly, but her tone made it clear to anyone with ears that the repeated utterances of nigger were meant for the caller. The topper of course was Dr. Laura telling the caller “if you’re so sensitive, don’t marry outside of your race.” Which in my mind was not only a warning for blacks to “stay in their place” but an indictment of whites as unabashed racists. She may have well said “We all think you’re a nigger, honey, and if you marry one of us you can expect to be treated like one.”

And with that, I’m done talking about Dr. Laura who is a bigoted ignoramus. I learned today that she is going off air, which is good. Unfortunately I’m sure that FOX will give her a show. Why not? Folks like Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Man Coulter make Dr. Laura look like a Care Bear. A wrinkled, bleached out blonde Care Bear, but a Care Bear nonetheless. No offense meant to Care Bears.

If you're the last person in the blogsphere or the world of the living to have heard her rant, find it here http://mediamatters.org/blog/201008120045

In the meantime, enjoy this song I have dedicated to the good Doctor:

Well, Dr. Laura is a racist bitch, she's a wrinkled witch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist bitch if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch,
and Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch,
then on Sunday just to be different she's a
super KKK neocon-nazi beotch!

Have you ever called Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist old bitch and she has racist hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,

bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a racist bitch, WHOOO!
Dr. Laura is a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch,
Dr. Laura is a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this! ever called Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist old bitch and she has racist hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,

bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a racist bitch, WHOOO!
Dr. Laura is a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch,
Dr. Laura is a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Dr. Laura: she's a big fat fucking bitch! YEAH big fat fucking bitch Dr. Laura, yeah! chow!

I Hate Shy People? WTF? Really?!

2010-08-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Okay. Wow. This is another WTF? Oh, Really? This time from Facebook (I know, not Facebook! You would never find something like that there!). The page is called "I Hate Shy People (It's just rude) Some of us make an effort!"

As if countless shy people don’t make an effort just leaving the house every day. Un-effing-believable. Here’s the desciption for the page, unedited:

"I hate shy people. It is socialy rude. Everyone is shy but most of us make an effort to overcome this. However why should someone be allowed to be rude because they are shy?! I hate that 'Oh don't mind them they are just shy' Just Fucking rudethats waht they are. If your too shy to talk become a monk dont go out stay in your room."

You know what? I “hate” people that can barely spell, but do you see me devoting a Facebook page to that? While this poster has it right when they say everyone is shy - that’s in certain situations. Completely different from having generalized shyness and/or social anxiety – where a person feels consistently shy. So sorry, whoever wrote the asinine ‘I hate shy people’ page, but shy people are racked with anxiety nearly all of the time and find it difficult and scary to speak in many situations. They aren’t trying to be rude to you. And they probably are making the effort. That’s why they’re at your stupid party.

It should go without saying, but me remind you: all types of people are rude. Nobody has a corner on rudeness. So why not a Facebook page devoted to how much you hate rude people? We can all relate to that, and since nobody takes pride in being rude, nobody gets offended. Shy people are not synonymous with rude people.

As a shy person you know what I hate? Outgoing people who think that quiet people are rude just by virtue of being quiet as opposed to being loud, non-stop talking machines. I also hate ignorant fools who create ridiculous Facebook pages saying they hate a whole class of people who can’t help the fact that they are shy and accusing those same people of “not making an effort.”

For years I made the effort to be polite, to say hi, to speak up, to talk more about myself. But my efforts were NEVER rewarded by more outgoing people who still wanted to harp on how quiet I was! It seemed like for them, whatever efforts I made were never good enough. Well here's a breaking news bulletin: some people are shy and quiet and that’s just the way it is. They are not being rude just because they are not exactly like you, Mr. or Mrs. Extrovert-Without-a-Clue. Nor were they put on this Earth to stroke your fragile little extroverted ego with non-stop jabber. Get the fuck over it.

Ambivert, Shambivert. You’re either an innie or an outie! Period. End of Story.

2010-07-28T15:14:00.001-07:00

Some people claim to be both introverted and extroverted but they’re full of shit! You’re one or you’re the other. Period. End of Story. It’s chemical - as in your brain chemicals. That means unless there’s a pill that rebalances your chemicals so you reach some neurochemical ambivert nirvana, you’re an innie or an outie.

You can certainly be a strong, medium, or low introvert or extrovert but just because you are an extrovert who likes downtime to read a book or an introvert who likes to party (like yours truly), doesn’t mean you’re some mutant offspring of both. I think when people say they’re both it’s because they are confusing introversion with shyness or extroversion with being a loud, party animal. One has little to do with the other. It's about how you prefer to face the world and how you draw, for lack of a better phrase, your psychic energy. Extroverts need people and activities outside of themselves to feel alive and energized and Introverts need alone time and solitary activity to feel the same.

I would class myself as a medium introvert. I like a party where there’s food, dancing, or some type of activity which does not center on small talk, but the people and the activities don't energize me in the way they would an extrovert. Simply put: no after party. I was at the party, it was fun, and now there’s that thing called sleep I need to attend to. I seriously don’t need to stay until the last person stumbles out.

I also don’t mind, if I’m rested and in the mood, chatting up a stranger or two. I like people just fine, contrary to what some think (sadly my extroverted significant other thought I was a complete misanthrope until I set him straight). I just don’t need to engage them 24/7. Talking and hanging out is not my raison d’être. If I did that all the time, when would I read, draw, write or enjoy the movies? Exactly.

New Blog Feature: WTF? Oh Really? with The Shytrovert

2010-07-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

Today I’m introducing a new feature on The Shytrovert blog. I’m calling it WTF? Oh Really? with The Shytrovert It will feature some of the un-effing-believable things I’ve come across on the interwebs about shy and introverted individuals. My first WTF? Oh Really? is an oldie but goodie from Yahoo Answers, a.k.a. the Headquarters of WTFs. My remarks are in italics. Here goes:

Do shy people deserve to live in our society?
It's shocking to see such introverted/dumb, boring psychopaths living in today's progressive, open-minded society. (Oh the irony) They have got no life and set a bad example on others. They are misfits in this world.

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

…these introverted "dumb" and "boring" psychopaths are the people working in the background. just because they're not up front and in your face doesn't mean they're not there.

famous introverts:

Einstein, Jane Goodall, Eisenhower, Marie Curie, Ghandi, Mozart, Speilberg... all of these people have contributed to society, hell, the WORLD, in ways that you would never even come close to if you keep holding your judgmental (and hateful) beliefs.

Now, there are plenty of non-famous introverts out there working as engineers, science researches, and analysts who are making quiet contributions to our society.

Introverts learn by observation, and thus have far more understanding than you obviously do.

Introverts do have a life. Unlike extroverts, who have a wide group of acquaintances, introverts prefer to a have a small group of very close friends. These friends and family mean the world to the introverts.

Just because someone doesn't fit in to YOUR definition of "normal", doesn't mean they deserve to die. They aren't misfits and make up 50% of the population. Introverts are normal, functioning members of society who, just because of their preference of solitary activities to constantly being with people, don't ever deserve to be looked down upon.

Do some research before you run your mouth off. Google "introvert".

Yeah! That response, by a rightfully indignant introvert I assume, deserves a 10 on a scale of 1 – 10 for absolute scorching BURN. Ouch.

Are you Shy + Introverted Like Me?

2010-07-28T09:04:00.000-07:00

Many people - as you likely know - confuse shyness with introversion or think they are one and the same. I suppose the common denominator with both is that shy individuals and introverted individuals are quieter, more low key people that most (read: extroverts). But as I have learned introvert is no more a synonym for shyness than extrovert is a synonym for bold and outgoing. In fact introversion and extroversion are hard-wired personality types for which brain chemistry plays a vital role.

I’m not going to get into the details of the science behind these types when Marni Lani Olsen (author of The Introvert Advantage) explains it so well. Let’s just say shyness is a different animal and introverts or extroverts can be shy or not. I happen to be both.

I always knew I was shy, but the introverted part came much later. It’s funny, because I always assume that once I was no longer extremely shy that I would want to go out and party all the time! When that didn’t happen, I wondered why it was I could never enjoy a raucous social gathering like everyone else when no anxiety was present. Now it’s clear.

I am a shytrovert. Are you a shytrovert? When did you know? How do you cope? Let me know in the comments.

If You're Skeevy and You Know It...

2010-07-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest complaints women have about their men is how they perv on other women when they go out. Some men even go to insane lengths to get a glimpse at a woman they feel is hot and Ask.Men.com decided to hand these fellows even more techniques for their ogling pleasure: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/132_dating_advice.html

Just disgusting. Anyway, this writer pinpoints just why staring down other women is not in a man’s best interest unless he wants to stay single:

A Message to Men Who Can't Help or Refuse to Stop Looking

First of all, let me say that I fully understand human nature and the urge to look at people, attractive or otherwise, male or female, striking and/or strange. The issue is not looking per say, but gawking, continually looking, or turning your whole body to watch as the other person strolls away.

If you have a significant other, needless to say, you should not be engaging in this behavior whether she is around or not. Why? Because it sends several messages, none of which are positive.

Such behavior shows:

• That you are untrustworthy

• That you have no respect for your significant other or her feelings

• That you are disrespectful of your relationship in general

• That you are single and still looking.

Finally, such behavior begs the question - why do you even have a significant other? You agreed to limit yourself to one sexual interest, after all. Besides, you can avoid a lot of fights by not ogling every woman within eyesight. Yes, men are visual creatures; you're attached but not dead, and so on. But believe it or not, it is possible to glance without being so obvious. You can at least learn to turn off the girl-dar when you're out and about with your woman. You and I both know that you really don't only have eyes for her, but why not pretend that you do? This will do wonders for your intimate life together. Believe me.

Read the full article here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2352856/why_you_should_tame_your_wandering_pg2.html?cat=41

Nail. Hit. Head. 7 Misconceptions About Introverts from Dr. Irene S. Levine

2010-07-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

a.k.a. The Friendship Doctor at http://www.Huffingtonpost.com

Does Dr. Levine know her Introverts or what? Here’s her insightful article lifted from the Huffington Post, one of my favorite sites to lurk in. Enjoy:

We Don’t Like Crowds

We're Not Antisocial. We don't hate people. We like people, especially people we like. Just not a lot of them all at once. That doesn't make us potential serial killers.

Don’t Tell Us To Smile

"People tend to assume that if you're not grinning like an idiot all the time you're unhappy," wrote one reader. "As an introvert I don't always wear my emotions on my sleeve--or on my face."

We Do So Know How to Have Fun

But it so happens that what you're doing doesn't look like fun to us. See us sitting in an armchair reading? Hiking a quiet mountain trail? Drinking morning coffee in an empty house? That is top-of-the-line fun to us. Oh, and sometimes we have lot of fun watching you all have fun. Really. Go, dance, have a good time. We'll serve punch. We might even smile.

Don’t Try to Drag Us

Especially when you're dealing with adults, you can assume that we already know what we do and don't enjoy. If we say no (and this applies beyond the dance floor) grabbing our arms and whining, "Oh, come on," or "It will be fun," (see above) does not endear you to us.

We’re Quiet Not Dead

Here's a bone-chilling introvert tale: "I was with a boyfriend at a party once and he and his boss were discussing personality types at the office...Type A, Type B...," wrote a reader. "And then he turned to me and said 'So you are, what, a type D?' 'What do you mean?' 'Well...you are practically comatose here.'"
We Have Personality and Passion

We just don't have the need or desire to throw it all out there. If you want to know us, quiet down and see what happens.

Sarah Palin is Dumb – and the GOP are wackadoodles - Why Are We Still Talking About them?

2010-07-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading on CNN about Sarah Palin and how her leadership is wrong on the question of a 911 Mosque. First of all, combining her name anywhere near the word leadership is wrong even though she’s right about the 911 Mosque thing. Moron’s luck I guess. No offense meant whatever to morons. I guess we have to pay attention to wing nut from Wasilla because she is a leading light in one of our two major political parties. How sad is that? But I swear every time I hear from her or any of these other morons on the far right I feel like I’m actually living in the movie Idiocracy. I mean, seriously? These people have so much power that they can with impunity spout pure venom and hatred from the airwaves 24/7 and never ever be called on it. Well, the NAACP spoke up about the tea party. By the way, the tea party is a GOP generated publicity stunt. Read about it here. http://jeffrey-feldman.typepad.com/frameshop/2009/02/tea-party-movement-planned-months-ago-by-gop-billionaires.html

So what do you think about Palin and her ilk? Do you think the Republicans have a good humor bar’s chance in hell of winning the upcoming elections.

Women Dressing Appropriately – what does that mean exactly?

2010-07-20T13:09:00.001-07:00

I get so sick of hearing about women who don’t know what to wear now that they’ve turned whatever milestone age, be it 20, 40 or 50. I’m also equally fed up with the idea that you need to be perfectly skinny like a Lara Flynn Boyle or somebody to wear cute, fashionable clothes. I say wear what you enjoy, within reason. That is, adult women shouldn’t dress like teeny boppers or sluts. Speaking of which, why do they market slutty clothes to teenagers? What’s up with these short, short, shorts? Tiny shorts and miniskirts should not be worn by anyone with secondary sexual characteristics unless they are on stage – and sometimes even that is questionable. When I see a girl in short, short, shorts or a miniskirt up to her pubic bone I think of street walking, I honestly do. On a little girl, a tiny skirt or itty bitty shorts is adorable. On someone who is fully developed it just looks obscene. What's weird is how older women often clamor to wear these in your face sexual togs. Why? I believe in the old saw that a woman's clothes should be tight enough to show she’s a woman but loose enough to show she’s a lady. And that’s all that needs to be said on the issue of appropriate dressing for women aged 21 and above, in my humble opinion, of course.

Americans are Doughy, Fat Slobs and Why is No Mystery!

2010-07-20T13:08:00.001-07:00

Americans are fat because we eat too much and move too little. That’s it, and that’s all. How many of us make chips, soda, and cookies part of our weekly grocery shopping? How many of us hardly eat any fruits or vegetables or eat out all the time (restaurants are notorious for large portions and high-calorie counts). We can sit down and watch hours of TV, but we won’t walk around the freaking block; and we wonder why our waistlines keep growing. It’s not a mystery.

Do this: find out what a portion size is and cut back. Add fruit and vegetables to every meal. Drink more water and walk around your neighborhood after dinner or before work for twenty minutes every day. See what happens. I can tell you from personal experience what’s going to happen: that weight is going to fall right off.

When I started on Weight Watchers® seven years ago now, and started walking on the treadmill every day -not three days a week (that’s for people who are already in shape) – I went from weighing 195 lbs (size 16) to weighing 135 lbs (size 6/8). My cholesterol dropped like a stone, my stomach muscles became visible, and suddenly I had arms of envy like Michelle Obama. All that from cutting back on my food intake, walking, and lifting weights several times a week.

As a nation we need to get off our lazy, gluttonous butts and lose weight.

Alvin Green – may not be the dummy he seems

2010-07-20T13:07:00.001-07:00

Introvert Alvin “the turtle” Green has shook SC politics to its foundations and confounded the nation. Like many introverts and shy people, he was assumed to be an idiot because he was quiet, but now it’s come to pass that he is far from a dummy. The man is a former military intelligence office and has a degree in political science. He says he is looking forward to a debate against his Republican challenger, and I am looking forward to that debate as well. I’m betting that The Turtle is going to totally eviscerate - figuratively speaking of course – his opponent. I don’t know about you fellow, Shytroverts, but I’ll be keeping tabs on The Turtle.

Really?! 60% of married men and 40% of married women are disloyal a**hats

2010-07-20T13:06:00.001-07:00

Personally, I have a zero policy for cheating, also known as infidelity. If my husband were to cheat on me, that would be the end of our relationship, period. If he stepped out on me, I wouldn’t want to work on rebuilding trust or whatever other BS issues he has. What’s to work out? He has already shown me that gratifying his “little friend” is more important than my feelings or our relationship.

The bottom line is this: cheating shows lack of respect and lack of integrity. It is a more serious offense than people give it credit for. Think about it: you are lying to a person you pledged to love, putting them in danger of heart break, emotional turmoil, venereal disease (there are diseases that condoms will not block and which are incurable). All this so you can get hot and heavy with someone else. Like the old saw goes a second of pleasure for a lifetime of pain. And talk about draaaama. Who needs it?

It is natural to be attracted to other people; but if you make a commitment to one person you should honor that - so set boundaries with your opposite sex friends and acquaintances. If you can’t or you won’t - for the love of all that’s right and good - don’t pledge fidelity to one person. Stay single or find someone who also wants the option of sleeping with and/or dating others.

Very few things in life are black or white – but be assured of this: CHEATING is WRONG, as in morally reprehensible. Only a complete a**hat enters into a relationship and then changes the rules mid way without their partner’s consent or knowledge. I have absolutely no respect for those who cheat.

If you find yourself in a relationship that is not working for you, have the courage (a.k.a. cajones or balls) to talk to your partner so you can decide what to do as a couple. Cheating robs your partner of choices while you have all the choices. This is unfair, disrespectful, and is the opposite of love or respect. Face it: you are acting on your own selfish desires. No matter what anybody says or whatever silly justifications the depraved human mind can dream up, there is absolutely no justification for cheating. NONE. You are always free to leave a relationship.

How to Talk to Quiet People

2010-07-20T13:03:00.001-07:00

So you know a real nice, quiet person that you’d like to get to know. How best to approach them? First, you need to know which type of quiet person you’re dealing with. Is this person a shy extrovert who actually wants a lot of friends, longs to be social but is afraid? Or is this person an introvert who is not particularly interested in talking to a lot of people and may just not be in the mood and/or irritated by your overtures? OR is this a shy and introverted person (shytrovert) who feels anxiety when speaking to others because they lack skill, have poor self-esteem, or may just not be in the mood and/or irritated by your overtures?

Hard to know, right? Either way, quiet people typically do not like to be the center of attention. They also don’t like to be pitied. I can of course only speak for myself, being the third type of quiet person (shy + introverted – they are not synonyms) hence my web handle The Shytrovert. Don’t ever make a big deal out of me being quiet and/or shy. I FUCKING HATE THAT. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel like a freak in a side show. Don’t rush at me with a million personal questions, either. Extroverts are good at that. They want to get to know you and know you now because they are comfortable with strangers and love meeting new people. They get their energy from that. As an introvert, I don’t. And as a shy person, I’m not immediately comfortable with people I don’t know. A stranger isn’t a friend I haven’t made yet. They’re a drain on my precious energy stores. Getting to know me is a slow process and is best done incrementally.

The preferred way to get to know me is to do something with me and let the conversation flow from that. Like most introverts, I detest small talk. Not because I’m some super brilliant intellectual who looks down on people who enjoy it, but because frankly I find it to be mundane, forced, and awkward. Like most people, I don't enjoy feeling awkward. Plus, like many shy and introverted folk, it’s not exactly my forte. Extroverts who want to talk with me often find I’m an easier shy person to get to know than most. This wasn’t always the case. When I was younger I had no clue about social skills –I didn’t know how to start or sustain a conversation –I was also too anxiety ridden to talk to anyone above a whisper. Time, therapy, and social skills training have helped a lot.

If you are dealing with an extremely shy type of quiet person, you may be better off just being polite and non -threatening. That means NOT jumping all over that person with questions and chatter or being all weirded out because they can’t finish a conversation. They simply may not have the skills to interact in the way you want. Just let it be. Just smile and say something like, I enjoyed talking with you. Do not be sarcastic. Be kind and sincere. No pressure. Over time, when they see that you’re nice and not some pushy extrovert who is out to make them feel horrible about themselves, they may open up to you.

I Got Your Personality Right Here!

2010-04-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

I Got Your Personality Right Here!

One thing I truly resent about extroverts or more outgoing folk is their tendency to believe that shy, introverted, or quiet people (shytroverts) have no “personality,” as if we were aliens walking around on Earth without souls or something. If being boisterous loud mouth making a spectacle of myself trying to hog the limelight means I have no personality, OK. I guess I don’t. But let’s bring it back to reality. According to Webster’s here’s the definition of personality a: the quality or state of being a person b: personal existence. For you nitpickers it can mean having charisma as well, but the first definition is simply BEING A HUMAN. And Shytroverts definitely fall under that category, like it or not. We’ve also got personality in the sense you mean, you’re just not likely to see it unless you get the privilege of being our friend. That’s because Shytroverts rarely show their whole selves to total strangers or people they don’t know well. So for the love of all that’s holy, stop saying we don’t have a personality and we’ll stop saying you’re a shallow, empty headed loud mouth. Truce?

Are Introverts Nuts?

2010-04-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

That’s the question business communication coach Nancy Ancowitz asks in a recent Psychology Today article. Apparently The American Psychiatric Association (APA) is considering including introversion as a criteria for diagnosing mental disorders in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—commonly known as the DSM-5.

I think I speak for all introverts when I say weren’t not nuts, but those DSM-5 bastards sure are. Here’s what they define as introversion:

‘Withdrawal from other people, ranging from intimate relationships to the world at large; restricted affective experience and expression; limited hedonic capacity.’ Additionally, this definition includes ‘deficit in the capacity to feel pleasure or take interest in things.’

Ancowitz is concerned – as we all should be – that the stigma introverts already experience in society will only be exacerbated, especially in the workplace. To put it all in perspective she spoke with Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Introvert Power who said:

‘If an introvert is clinically depressed, that’s a problem. If an introvert is debilitated by anxiety, that is a problem... But if an introvert is simply an introvert, please don’t render that person ill. We are talking half the population here!’

I couldn’t have said it better. Stupid ass APA. Who’s running that? A bunch of extroverts? Geesh.

I’m OK, You’re OK, We’re all OK, OK?

2010-04-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

For extroverts who derive their self esteem from constant social stroking, the shytrovert is a hated foil. We make them feel uncomfortable, and they’re not used to feeling discomfort in the company of others, so they lash out at us. We’re wrong, flawed, conceited, aloof, cold, unfriendly, and so on. WRONG. It occurs to me that only a jackass could hate a meek soul who is doing nothing but keeping to his or herself. Besides, science – and "Ask Alice" – have clearly stated that there are a many positive aspects to being a shytrovert: “Recently…scientists have identified positive aspects of shyness [and introversion]. For example, shy [and introverted] people tend to be good listeners and observers, and are more likely to think before they speak.” Not to mention our inborn cautiousness in new situations has served as a survival mechanism for millenia. In other words, we don’t rush in where angels fear to tread, and therefore we don’t get killed off as much. Hey, could that be the reason nature has allowed more extroverts to be born? Hmn... *thoughtfully puts index finger on chin*

The Power of Politeness

2010-04-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Being shy and introverted is tough. Sometimes it’s all you can do to propel yourself out of the house, let alone endure those annoying extroverts who insist you snap in line and behave more like them. Not only does their constant socializing and talking drive you mad, but it goes so much against your grain – like Mother Theresa slapping an orphan. However, there’s one thing you MUST do at a minimum if you want to improve your social comfort: be polite. Learn what politeness looks like, speaks like, and moves like. From a kind attitude comes empathy, kind words, and kind actions.By learning to be more polite, you will help mitigate any negative attitudes that more outgoing people have toward you.

Also, know that you’re not being polite merely by virtue of not being an asshole and sitting quietly in a corner. To extroverts, if you don’t talk you’re rude by default. So learn to say hello with a big smile. Yes, you will feel like the biggest phony actor of all time, but no one else will know you’re faking it. Like I said in my previous post, you just need to talk!

I know you’ve been hearing this all your life. The difference is, those clueless people never told you what to talk about. So what should you talk about? It doesn't matter. Your talk can consist of anything from brief comments, uh-huhn’s, or even questions - anything really; you just need to demonstrate that you're present and paying attention. Even if what you say is a throwaway, people will remember that you said something and that simple act will demonstrate to others that you’re friendly and approachable.

Remember: you don’t have to impress anybody or say anything profound. Most people will not remember the precise content of your words, anyway. As you may have also heard, most people are too busy thinking about themselves! I know this is true because I have been practicing these very techniques in my life. Are you skeptical? Let's discuss.

Tough Love for the Shy

2010-04-21T15:58:00.001-07:00

In my abject desperation to overcome my poor social skills I have read many books over the years, and I can tell you this, none has opened my eyes more or helped me more in the last few weeks than the e-book The Popular Club. It’s like the Skinny Bitch of social anxiety books. I highly recommend it for those looking to improve their schmooze-factor. A caveat: the language is pretty abusive. You will be called a loser, told that being an extrovert is unequivocally better than being an introvert, that being fat will screw you socially in a big way, and that you will need to conform, period. On the upside, it gives you a valuable glimpse into the world of extroverts to confirm what you've always suspected – their banter is often quite vapid, the content of what is said is frequently irrelevant, and all that matters is talking, so stop thinking about what you’re going to say ('cause only losers do that).

The Real World Test

After devouring The Popular Club e-book as if it was my last supper, I went out with my significant other's friends and just started talking, secure in the knowledge that as long as I was, nobody would zero in on me for being too quiet, and that what I said, even if it was stupid, would be quickly forgotten. For perhaps the first time in my life, a social encounter went exactly as I wanted it to. The suggestions in the e-book actually worked, people. And no, non-stop gibber jabber is not necessary, but contribution certainly is. All you need do to be in the game is to augh audibly along with the group, throw in a few yeahs, I think so toos or any commentary, smile a lot, and you’re good. People will actually LIKE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THE CONVERSATION. Holy cow! Where was this dude when I was in high school? So, The Popular Club – essential reading for Shytroverts.

I'm So Quiet? We'll You're So Rude!

2010-04-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

GRRRR!!! If there’s anything that gets under a shytrovert’s skin more it’s the phrase “you’re so quiet” or its equally annoying variant, “why are you so quiet?” I mean seriously! Not only are these questions rude, but they’re like asking someone “why are you so red headed?” or “why are you so black/white/Asian?” The horror of this is there never seems to be a decent enough comeback at the ready (shytroverts don’t think quickly on their feet and would be too afraid of sounding harsh even if they could). Luckily, what we lack in quickness as shytroverts we make up for with the introverted skill of reflection and writing ability. Using mine, I came up with a list of one-liners ranging from mild to spicy that I can toss out at the rude and clueless (extroverts). One-liners with asterisks have been real-world tested by yours truly.

1. It’s my ninja training: old habits die hard.

2. I was sent to Earth to observe.*

3. Well, somebody has to be the designated listener!

4. It’s easier to hear myself think.

5. I guess the cat got my tongue; I’m still waiting to get it back.

6. Oh, do you really think so? I’ve been practicing so hard!

7. Keep talking, I'm writing a book.*

8. I'm plotting a world-wide take over*

9. I don’t like to question God’s wisdom on such matters.

10. That’s very astute of you!

11. I am? Thanks for pointing that out!

12. Wow! Sherlock Holmes has nothing on you!

13. Nothing gets past you, does it?

14. That’s a conundrum wrapped in a riddle and dipped in an enigma.

15. Must be a good reason; God doesn’t make mistakes.

16. I read somewhere that about 30% of all people are quiet.

17. When I figure it out, I’ll get back to you.

18. Are you serious?

19. What do you mean, quiet?

20. Care to elaborate?

21. I am? Please, tell me how I can change!

22. If my shrink couldn’t figure it out, I’m sure I don’t know!

23. I'm saving my voice for primal scream week. Oh, you never heard of it?

24. I have a rare condition called introvertstendtobequietitis.

25. Why do you have blue/brown/gray/green eyes/ten digits/two ears?

Now it’s your turn. Let me know what you think. Do you have some zingers or comebacks to share that you’ve either used or want to use?