So you know
a real nice, quiet person that you’d like to get to know.
How best to approach them? First, you need to know which type of quiet person you’re dealing with. Is this person a
shy extrovert who actually wants a lot of friends, longs to be social but is afraid? Or is this person an
introvert who is not particularly interested in talking to a lot of people and may just not be in the mood and/or irritated by your overtures? OR is this a
shy and introverted person (shytrovert) who feels anxiety when speaking to others because they lack skill, have poor self-esteem, or may just not be in the mood and/or irritated by your overtures?
Hard to know, right? Either way,
quiet people typically do not like to be the center of attention. They also don’t like to be pitied. I can of course only speak for myself, being the third type of quiet person (shy + introverted – they are not synonyms) hence my web handle The Shytrovert.
Don’t ever make a big deal out of me being quiet and/or shy. I FUCKING HATE THAT. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel like a freak in a side show. Don’t rush at me with a million personal questions, either. Extroverts are good at that. They want to get to know you - and know you now - because they are comfortable with strangers and love meeting new people. They get their energy from that. As an introvert, I don’t. And as a shy person, I’m not immediately comfortable with people I don’t know.
A stranger isn’t a friend I haven’t made yet. They’re a drain on my precious energy stores. Getting to know me is a slow process and is best done incrementally.
The preferred way to get to know me is to
do something with me and let the conversation flow from that. Like most introverts,
I detest small talk. Not because I’m some super brilliant intellectual who looks down on people who enjoy it, but because
frankly I find it to be mundane, forced and awkward. Like most people, I don't enjoy feeling awkward. Plus, like many shy and introverted folk, it’s not exactly my forte. Extroverts who want to talk with me often find I’m an easier shy person to get to know than most. This wasn’t always the case. When I was younger I had no clue about social skills –I didn’t know how to start or sustain a conversation –I was also too anxiety ridden to talk to anyone above a whisper.
Time, therapy, and social skills training have helped a lot.
If you are dealing with
an extremely shy type of quiet person, you may be better off just being
polite and non-threatening. That means NOT jumping all over that person with questions and chatter or being all weirded out because they can’t finish a conversation. They simply may not have the skills to interact in the way you want.
Just let it be. Just smile and say something like, "I enjoyed talking with you."
Do not be sarcastic. Be kind and sincere. No pressure. Over time, when they see that you’re nice and not some pushy extrovert who is out to make them feel horrible about themselves, they may open up to you.
If you are dealing with an extremely shy type of quiet person, you may be better off just being polite and non-threatening. That means NOT jumping all over that person with questions and chatter or being all weirded out because they can’t finish a conversation. They simply may not have the skills to interact in the way you want. Just let it be. Just smile and say something like, "I enjoyed talking with you." Do not be sarcastic. Be kind and sincere. No pressure. Over time, when they see that you’re nice and not some pushy extrovert who is out to make them feel horrible about themselves, they may open up to you.
