Should you admit to people you are shy?

Various shyness experts around the blogosphere have suggested that if you’re a shy person you should admit this to others so as to avoid the misconception that you are aloof, unfriendly, or antisocial. However, given the propensity of folks to view shyness as a negative, how good an idea is this really? In my own experience, I have found it better to been seen as a snobby bitch-on-wheels than a weak, shrinking violet and potential pushover. Dr. Renee Gilbert, a Psychologist working out of Bellevue, Wash., has an intriguing perspective on the controversial issue of whether shy people should reveal or conceal. Here are her thoughts:

Your typical not-so-obvious shy woman 

“I think the problem arises because there are two ways to be shy--the obvious way and the not so obvious way. The obvious way to be shy is to blush, tremble, twitch or otherwise physically manifest your shyness. The not so obvious way is to avoid eye contact with people, not have much to say or decline offers from others you'd like to accept, but that are too far outside of your comfort zone for you to feel comfortable attending.

Not so obvious shy people are often mistaken as arrogant or aloof--even by fellow shy people--when nothing could be farther from the truth. We're terrified on the inside. It's just that we don't show it on the outside. Now granted, if you're a not so obvious shy person in the middle of a crucial business negotiation where power is everything, you may not want to admit to being shy. In fact, in this one case, your shyness may prove to be an asset. Why not keep them guessing? Or, if you're hanging around people who are known to be bullies or gossips--people who are likely to misuse the information--you may want to keep your shyness to yourself. The good news is that most people aren't like that. Most people are relieved to hear that you're shy. You see, odds are that unless they have a reason to know better, most people will interpret your not so obvious shyness as a sign of arrogance or being stuck up, or simply as a sign that you don't like them...

Your eyes are not deceiving you; I'm shy.

But if you are an obvious shy person, there's no need to hide your shyness. Let's face it. The word is already out. Trying to ignore your shyness only makes you and the people around you uncomfortable. Labeling your shyness makes things easier for people because they don't have to pretend they're not seeing what they're seeing. They don't have to avoid making eye contact with you, because they see you're uncomfortable. They don't have to exclude you from the conversation, because they see that your hands are trembling. By telling people you're shy, you've told them that you want to be a part of what's going on and that it's OK if they notice you're a little uncomfortable. And that helps them feel more comfortable, too.”


Source: http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/

So, there it is. If you're a not-so-obvious shy person, like yours truly, keep it to yourself. If you're obviously shy, may as well fess up. 

Review of “The Happy Introvert” by Elizabeth Wagele

 “The Happy Introvert: a wild and crazy guide for celebrating your true self” by Elizabeth Wagele, is an engagingly written guide to celebrating one’s introversion. 


The book hooked me from the beginning with this pithy quote on page 1:

 “Eastern cultures see introversion as a value and give it much esteem.  Western cultures prefer extraversion. For a balanced, safe, and caring world, we must learn to value both.”

From its conversational tone to its cute and illustrative cartoons, this book celebrates the strengths of introversion without putting down extraverts. The book’s overall message is that as introverts we’re different but that difference is not wrong or weird. 

I especially enjoyed the afterword which takes a look at the characters in Napoleon Dynamite.  Wagele praises Napoleon, a “grumpy-looking, slack-jawed teenager,” as an “exemplary introvert who triumphs through being talented and sweet…strong and virtuous – a loyal friend and…hero who is…comfortable with himself.”

I found Ms. Wagele's book to be inspiring, informative and a quick read for adults or adolescents struggling to find a comfortable place in a world that overvalues extroversion.

Elizabeth Wagele is an award-winning cartoonist, children’s book illustrator, musician and the best-selling author of "The Enneagram Made Easy" and other books on personality types.  She lives in Berkeley, California, with her husband, Gus.

To learn more about the book and Elizabeth Wagele, visit her website at

http://www.wagele.com/

WTF? Really?! Dr. Laura’s Racist-ass Rant

I realize what I’m about to say will be controversial and it in no way represents the view of all black people, because obviously I am only one person who happens to be black.  But the whole Dr. Laura debacle got me thinking about where I stand on the use of the word “nigger” (I hate the n-word euphemism). There are literally hundreds of derogatory words used to demean black people. Jigg, coon, spade, mooley, you name it. Nigger is just one such word. And if people stopped using it tomorrow, another one would crop up in it’s place.  I won’t get into a big discussion about black American slang and how its mechanisms work.  That’s beyond the scope of this post.

Anyway, I have no problem with its utterance if it’s used in a historical or illustrative context. I also have no problem with blacks or anyone else using its variants “niggah” or “niggaz” to describe their homeboys. In that context, it has taken on a wholly different meaning. So Whoopi, Kanye, and other comedians and entertainers of all stripes, go ahead and keep using the word as you please. I don’t give a shit. However, white folks, you better not use nigger or any variant, to describe me.   The tongue lashing you’ll get won’t be pretty.

This issue with the Dr. Laura hubbub is that she wasn’t using it in a discussion of history or even to illustrate a “philosophical point” as she so speciously put it. She was using it in its original intent to hurt and demean. The caller asked for her help with a husband’s friends’ use of the word in her presence. What did Dr. Laura do? Tell the woman she was being too sensitive and defending the racist friends’ use of the word by saying that blacks call each other that all the time. When the lady objected, saying the word was offensive no matter what, Dr. Laura told her to not NAACP-her at once demonstrating her naked ignorance as well as her neocon political leanings. Then, knowing the caller objected to the word and found it offensive she went on to repeat, spitefully, the word nigger over and over.

Was she calling the woman a nigger? Not directly, but her tone made it clear to anyone with ears that the repeated utterances of nigger were meant for the caller. The topper of course was Dr. Laura telling the caller “if you’re so sensitive, don’t marry outside of your race.” Which in my mind was not only a warning for blacks to “stay in their place” but an indictment of whites as unabashed racists. She may have well said “We all think you’re a nigger, honey, and if you marry one of us you can expect to be treated like one.”

And with that, I’m done talking about Dr. Laura who is a bigoted ignoramus.  I learned today that she is going off air, which is good.  Unfortunately I’m sure that FOX will give her a show.  Why not?  Folks like Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Man Coulter make Dr. Laura look like a Care Bear.  A wrinkled, bleached out blonde Care Bear, but a Care Bear nonetheless.  No offense meant to Care Bears.

If you're the last person in the blogsphere or the world of the living to have heard her rant, find it here http://mediamatters.org/blog/201008120045

In the meantime, enjoy this song I have dedicated to the good Doctor:

Well, Dr. Laura is a racist bitch, she's a wrinkled witch,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist bitch if there ever was a bitch,
she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch,
and Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch,
then on Sunday just to be different she's a
super KKK neocon-nazi beotch!

Have you ever called Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist old bitch and she has racist hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,

bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a racist bitch, WHOOO!
Dr. Laura is a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch,
Dr. Laura is a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this! ever called Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a racist old bitch and she has racist hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch,

bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
she's a racist bitch, WHOOO!
Dr. Laura is a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch,
Dr. Laura is a bitch, and she's such a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Dr. Laura: she's a big fat fucking bitch! YEAH big fat fucking bitch Dr. Laura, yeah! chow!

I Hate Shy People? WTF? Really?!

Okay. Wow. This is another WTF? Oh, Really? This time from Facebook (I know, not Facebook! You would never find something like that there!). The page is called "I Hate Shy People (It's just rude) Some of us make an effort!"

As if countless shy people don’t make an effort just leaving the house every day. Un-effing-believable. Here’s the desciption for the page, unedited:

"I hate shy people. It is socialy rude. Everyone is shy but most of us make an effort to overcome this. However why should someone be allowed to be rude because they are shy?! I hate that 'Oh don't mind them they are just shy' Just Fucking rudethats waht they are. If your too shy to talk become a monk dont go out stay in your room."

You know what? I “hate” people that can barely spell, but do you see me devoting a Facebook page to that? While this poster has it right when they say everyone is shy - that’s in certain situations. Completely different from having generalized shyness and/or social anxiety – where a person feels consistently shy. So sorry, whoever wrote the asinine ‘I hate shy people’ page, but shy people are racked with anxiety nearly all of the time and find it difficult and scary to speak in many situations. They aren’t trying to be rude to you. And they probably are making the effort. That’s why they’re at your stupid party.

It should go without saying, but me remind you: all types of people are rude. Nobody has a corner on rudeness. So why not a Facebook page devoted to how much you hate rude people? We can all relate to that, and since nobody takes pride in being rude, nobody gets offended.  Shy people are not synonymous with rude people.

As a shy person you know what I hate? Outgoing people who think that quiet people are rude just by virtue of being quiet as opposed to being loud, non-stop talking machines. I also hate ignorant fools who create ridiculous Facebook pages saying they hate a whole class of people who can’t help the fact that they are shy and accusing those same people of “not making an effort.”

For years I made the effort to be polite, to say hi, to speak up, to talk more about myself.  But my efforts were NEVER rewarded by more outgoing people who still wanted to harp on how quiet I was! It seemed like for them, whatever efforts I made were never good enough. Well here's a breaking news bulletin: some people are shy and quiet and that’s just the way it is. They are not being rude just because they are not exactly like you, Mr. or Mrs. Extrovert-Without-a-Clue. Nor were they put on this Earth to stroke your fragile little extroverted ego with non-stop jabber. Get the fuck over it.